My ex-boyfriend once stood over my shoulder while I peeled an onion and told me how his mom could do it faster
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Those stupid stress balls don’t work!!!… I just ate one, and it got stuck in my throat… And now, I’m more stressed than before!!!
It’s not fair how teenagers today can avoid social interaction with family by staring at their phones
I had to show my contempt by grunting
[i rear-end a guy and he steps out with a baseball bat]
ME: i’m sor-
HIM: *tosses me a glove* wanna play ball until the tow truck arrives?
Just got my invitation to Lady Gaga’s wedding reception. I can choose between beef or chicken. Not for the meal, that’s the dress code.
I recycle jokes because I care about the environment, Samantha.
I’m tired, you’re tired, we should probably sleep together.
“So hell isn’t too bad,” I say from the podium. “I just keep teaching?”
“Actually…” said a demon
“Actually…” said another
“ACTUALLY…”
A Gothic novel about a governess who works at the manor house of a mysterious man who spends a lot of time in his attic. She eventually discovers that he keeps his LEGO sets there.
This Dollar Store thesaurus sure is coming in…
*shuffle shuffle*
…hippopotamus.
ME: what’s the name of that soft french cheese we liked?
HER: camembert
ME: me either
Pandora has spoiled me. Five seconds into any conversation and I’m looking for the thumbs-down button.
*gets bitten by a radioactive bear
*before developing super powers, gets eaten by radioactive bear
I got gas today for $1.39. Unfortunately, it was at Taco Bell!!
11yo: Are we there yet?
Me: Minutes away
11yo: Technically we’re always minutes away from everything, we’re minutes away from death right now
Taco Bell is no longer going to be offering kids meals. Probably because kids are rarely drunk enough to want Taco Bell.
The worst part about getting Covid was losing my ability to smell what The Rock was cooking. 😕
I wanted to lose 10 pounds this year. Only 13 to go.
Thanks for sending me all 67 of your kid’s Halloween photos. I’ll cherish them for …*DELETE*
We need a grocery store aisle for 4-year-olds’ unreasonable requests:
– Chicken nuggets but with fish (NOT fish sticks, are you insane?)
– Cold hot chocolate, but the marshmallows still melt
– Crackers with fewer crumbs (ok, that one’s for the parents, but still)
Me: this is my favorite place to do cartwheels but you have to watch out for the rocks
Date: those are headstones
Of course being a child is terrible .. They don’t give you any money and then make you watch commercials the whole time
How DARE you go the speed limit in a situation like this…
~Me, to anyone with the audacity to be in front of me when I’m running late.
I hate when I skip lunch and come home and inhale my kitchen
Just went to Walgreens & they’re a bunch of liars. Their walls were more of a beige color. I’m suing.
Do not apologize for your dog coming up to me because this is exactly what I wanted
[GOD CREATING BEES]
G: Super important
A: k
G: And their spit tastes delicious.
A….k
G: But they’re so *clenches fists* angry
coworker: you should try my therapist.
me: i’ve seen their work. no thanks.
“I’m definitely gonna hit that later tonight!”
– Me pointing out the light pole in the parking lot of the bar.
If you think the astronauts on the space station are getting on your nerves, imagine how annoyed they are with each other
Black Friday: Because Only in America, People trample others for Sales the day after being thankful for what they already have