who called it trying to conceive and not kidding?
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I’ve learnt a lot from the movies over the years, such as how to count using Roman numerals…
I, II, III, IV, V, Balboa.
Netflix says not to watch Ted Bundy alone so do any nice, strange men wanna come over and watch with me to make sure I don’t get too scared?
I have a very dry sense of humor. So I drink moisturizer.
“wya?” my limit bro. i’m at my limit
My dog wants to register me as her emotional support animal. She’s already called the vet for the required paperwork and ordered me a vest.
Is the expression “One man’s trash is another man’s treasure?” I want this best man’s speech to be perfect.
You look at the top of your phone screen and see the ringer off and alarm clock icons and wonder when you got old and boring and responsible
Me: Have a good day at school.
Child: Impossible.
Me: What? Why?
Child: Hey dad, have a good day at work.
Me: Oh ok I see what you’re saying.
[God making coconuts]
ANGEL: Hair on the outside?
GOD: Yes
ANGEL: Milk on the inside?
GOD: Yes
ANGEL: So, this is another mammal?
GOD: [taking bong rip] lmao, no
Over the last few months I’ve collected enough wine corks to raise the Titanic
“…and use only your finest microwaves.”
– me, trying to impress my date at Applebee’s
[olive garden]
waiter: when you’re here you’re family
me: cool can I borrow some money
waiter: please leave
I am angry but not like really angry. More like Facebook angry where I call you letters of the alphabet. You F’ing B.
Where’d he go? 😂💛
doggosbeingdoggos
“shake what ya momma gave ya!”
*starts shaking low self-esteem*
Husband: My mom didn’t get the Mother’s Day candy we sent her.
Me: Oh no! I wonder what happened.
Husband: *pulls an empty box out of my nightstand*
Me: The dog is in SO much trouble.
If God had a sense of humor herpes would glow in the dark.
Siri, assemble a list of people who are dead to me.
fellas is it cheating to call people by their names
Me: You know better than to use that bad word.
5-year-old: Yes.
Me: Then why did you?
5: My brain said not to, but my mouth does whatever it wants.
I make a lot of jokes about my husband and they’re all true, but sometimes I forget to mention how lucky he is with me as a wife.
Today I burned spinach.
our Lyft driver this evening has plenty of barf bags stashed in the back, automatic 5 stars for him
“You’re running into trouble requesting something because there’s a late book on your account.”
“See, this is why I don’t like using the library. It takes me time to read things! How long have I had it out?”
“I mean, about seventy-two months. But hey I’m all for pacing yourself.”
cop: if i were you i wouldn’t leave town
me: but if you were, what bus would you take
{Favorite Halloween Prank at Walmart}
Old Lady: Your son is adorable
4 yr. old: *running down aisles*
Me: Mam’ My son died 10 years ago.
I’m so incapable of accepting a compliment that I’ve started just flat out refusing them.
Them: You look lovely today.
Me: No thank you.
She is very cute, has great energy! 😂
[at the doctors]
me: *opens wide and goes ahh*
proctologist: how the hell r u doing that?
We get it Amazon Prime, everyone relies on moms at the last second too