When did kale arrive? 2007? Must’ve come via spaceship. I had never heard of it in my life. And then suddenly, it was everywhere. It had hearty advocates; & it had many, many detractors. How does a thing, kale, go from not existing to being ubiquitous? Spaceships. Only answer.
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I hate to get all political but unity begins with universal cell phone chargers
me: *kicking stirrups* go on now git
gynecologist: stop that
Too bad mosquitos are not into human fat the way they are into human blood
Cats sleep 18 hours a day and only get up to murder.
I respect that.
Scurrying around in your socks, holding your beltless trousers up: airport security is like a weird, brief slumber party in the middle of the day with a bunch of strangers.
Me singing a couple lines of a song: Alexa find this for me
Alexa: playing video
“Top 10 Creepiest Animal Sounds”
I would have become a Hare Krishna
if only I had the chants.
“Up for anything unless my gout flares up.”
– from my dating profile
[slams a leaf blower down on the counter at Home Depot] this hairdryer is too dangerous
My plans: 2020:
GIRLFRIEND: I’m breaking up with you
ME: Is it because I thought cleavage was a period in history where they fought with only axes?
HER: Yes. Yes it is.
My wife left me for a fisherman.
Poor guy’s still reeling.
Most monkeys don’t like bananas, they’re just being sexy.
Broke my New Year’s resolution to exorcise more and now there are poltergeists and demons all over my house.
I need to do some tidying up around here so I’ll start with finishing this box of wine to free up some counter space
This guy on GMA is thanking God b/c he survived 2 plane crashes. I’m pretty sure “God” is trying to kill him.
My wife just got the bar tab and yelled “Oh my god.” That can’t be good.
Relationship status: my last pickpocket had really gentle hands.
They’ve postponed the Olympics, so I’m going to back off the intensity of my workouts.
I wonder where the inventor of the drawing board took their failed ideas back to.
the best thing i’ve ever made
7-year-old: I jumped in a puddle and almost drowned!
Me: You’re exaggerating.
7: It was in that puddle you always complain about.
Okay, it might have been deep enough.
My face is very symmetrical…over the x-axis 🙁
Me: I know it hurts, but you’ll learn to love again.
Sheep: I don’t know. I can’t even look at ewe right now.
My Secret Santa gave me a McDonald’s gift card because they took one look at me.
when ur hate is strong but your bladder’s weak
friend: the key to a good joke is misdirection
[later]
guy: hey can you tell me how to get downtown?
me: *barely containing my glee as i point him uptown* yeah go that way
To me, the worst part of the prostate exam is when the doctor says, “Guess how many fingers.”
[movie trailer]
IN A WORLD OF ANIMAL NOISES
*distant oinks and moo’s*
ONE OLD MAN KNEW THEM ALL
*dramatic music*
BUT BEFORE HE WAS A MAN
*slow piano music*
BEFORE HE HAD A FARM
*flying shot of rolling hills*
HE WAS…
*extreme close up*
YOUNG MACDONALD
[coming soon]
3yo: why do you have to die one day?
Me: probably because of something I said to mommy.