I wonder if anyone ever looked Jesus in the face and saw a piece of toast.
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sick of our media’s unrealistic portrayal of Boomerangs , which are weak as shit in real life
So, turns out the fig leaf is not appropriate apparel for the modern office, even on dress-down Friday. Who knew?
You must be radiating feminine mystique because every man in the cafe is looking at you, and then you realize there’s a TV over your head.
Oh you’re an oscillating fan? Name three of their settings
I’ve just had to reset my password to Delicate Luggage Handler as I was told it had to be case sensitive.
the whole world: we might not recover from the covid era for another 2 to 3 years these are truly dark times
marketing people:
When people ask me if my twins are natural I say no they’re robots.
I was never cast in grade school plays because I refused to do nude scenes.
I think the lady at the movies is “shushing” me, but I can’t tell because I’m eating Doritos.
Most embarrassing thing a human being can experience is publicly unrequited love. Second is having the noisy grocery cart.
Why non-smokers don’t take bubble blowing breaks is beyond me
So many mixed messages in the media. Titanic tells us “never let go.” Frozen says “let it go.” Smdh
me: I’ll take this goth pear
cashier: that’s an avocado
New mom looking at a photo of their newborn: Isn’t my baby the most beautiful creature ever to exist?!
Same mom looking at same photo a decade later: Why didn’t anyone tell me my baby looked like gollum?!
my mom treats her air pods like they’re disposable. buys a few a month. she says they would be easier to not lose if they had….a cord
Give it to me straight
“I’d really like to have sex with you-”
Now give it to me gay
“-r boyfriend.”
Just overheard two coworkers knocking Scooby Doo for its loose plot holes and I told them that they’ll “never get away with this” and they didn’t get it.
I’m pretty disappointed that an unknown Uncle hasn’t left me a haunted mansion and millions of dollars by now.
Of course my husband went into sales. He told his drill sergeant at basic training he was allergic to fish because he didn’t like fish and got a sandwich made for him. IN THE ARMY.
*somehow manages to beep at you sarcastically*
The reason I don’t like Facebook’s “memories” feature is because it shows me 6 years ago wearing the same shirt I have on right now.
If biscuits were slimming and contained every nutrient the human body needs, I’d be in terrific shape.
I just saw a man get hit by a car…he got hit & fell down & then got up & chased the car down the block!!!! His legs must be strong as shit
Yes Pony Express?
I ordered a pony 27 minutes ago and I still didn’t get it. What kind of fast food joint do you run here?
“Excuse me, do you validate parking?”
I sure do, champ. *kisses your forehead* Your parking is second to none.
THEO VAN GOGH: I can’t believe you lost your other ear in a poker game
VINCENT VAN GOGH: What?
All I’m saying is the second guy to bungee jump was honest about his weight.
[robbery]
ROBBER: Give me all your money!
ME: I don’t have it all with me.
ROBBER: Dang!
Never answer knocking at your door. It’s always people. Always. Never giant chocolate bars. Only people.
Imagine having a party on purpose.