So that’s what we looked like?
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[calling my sister while babysitting her 3-year-old] should he be using the oven
[one tweet gets 10 likes]
me: ok i gotta be careful now about what i put on my timeline. i have a successful brand to protect.
“Nine Foods You Should Never Eat Again”
Also known as the contents of my refrigerator.
Be your mom’s favorite by not having to make her count to three.
Apparently trying to edit the family cookbook to include ‘minced feelings’ at the end of every recipe’s ingredients list is “not okay” and I need to “seriously cut it out”.
My dog forgot it’s mother’s day, again.
Put the is in disheveled
WHAT I SAY: that’s one way of looking at it
WHAT I MEAN: in the history of stupid things said by stupid people, what just came out of your mouth is, by far, the stupidest. If there were stupidity trophies, yours would be gold plated and set atop a plinth reading STUPID.
11YR OLD: dad, are we poor?
ME: we are rich in love…we are rich in laughter
11: so we’re poor
M: yes
Just because your kid says, “You’re my hero” does not mean you can pick them up at school wearing a cape, apparently
Me [proudly]: This is my son. He’s 10, a fine artist & great at math
Nurse: That’s a garbage can & your morphine drip is still attached
It’s all fun and games until a metal flask falls out of your car in the church parking lot.
If Ariana Grande made a lot of money selling designer chokers her song would have been called Thank U, Necks
*friends describing me on Dateline*
She was nothing special. Didn’t light up a room or anything. Just kinda blended into the wallpaper.
DATE: I want someone that’s mysterious & really into nature
ME: [leaves]
My local cinema was broken into last night and goods worth £15,000 stolen: a packet of popcorn and a medium Coke.
Don’t believe cartoons. No matter how hard you throw a toilet plunger, it won’t actually stick to someone’s face.
He wanted to come over but I only have one dozen donuts
You brought me roses? I can’t eat this. Get out.
What my back needs
[robbing Whole Foods]
“All the cash in a bag NOW!”
100% organic reusable bag ok?
“Yes!”
[puts half the cash] I had to charge for the bag
me, trying to order a floral arrangement by phone:
Hi, what is the price of something…flowery? Yes, I’d like a floral arrangement made of flowers. Do I have any preferences? No….just something floral….like, with flowers. Something with petals. Thank you. 🥴
just saw a preview of the upcoming commercial for Lady Doritos, yikes
S/o to @funTweeters .
My mom enjoyed nearly 4 years as Grandma but thanks to my youngest her name is now Bogma.
*a colony of zombies ripping human skulls open & eating brain. Off to the side, a French zombie fries brains in butter with aioli trempette
Government: “you need to post salary ranges on all of your job openings”
Companies: “okay, the typical salary range for this role is usually between $17,000 and $2,500,000 per year”
I like my women like I like my bamboo: graceful, strong, and constantly in threat of being eaten by pandas.
me: i like baseball.
man: oh yeah, who hit the 2nd farthest minor league home run during the 1918 season
I was 17 before I realized that the reason the ocean is salty is not “because of something I did.” Thanks Dad.