Tried to save some money by getting Halloween candy at Aldi. I hope kids like Twicks, Skattles, and 4 Musketeers.
You Might Also Like
Twitter is perfect for extroverted introverts. I want to be social & have lots of friends but I don’t want to leave my house. Or wear pants.
How excited are you, on a scale from 1 to white woman who just found out that this dinner party has sangria?
Condoms do not guarantee safe sex.
A friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot by the woman’s husband.
Pretty much! 😂👀
I have no idea how the cavemen could afford to eat paleo.
cyclists
You’ve ripped the husband stick figure off your minivan, but also the cat stick figure. This is a story I want to hear.
HER: I know making friends as an adult is hard, just try asking questions.
{Later at a bar}
ME (who has not tried to make friends since 3rd grade): What’s your favorite dinosaur mine’s triceratops.
I would’ve worn my short shorts and my striped tube socks if I knew I was going to be walking around in sepia tone all day
I found a spider in my shoes. He looks ridiculous, they’re way too big for him.
My husbands jealousy is getting ridiculous. The other day he looked at my calendar and wanted to know who June was.
If you’re wondering what all these scratches on my chest are from, it’s because my cat hates to get in the hot tub with me.
ME: I’m much better thinking outside the box
PRISON GUARD: Still no
if you like christmas so much why don’t you merry it
Autocarrot sucks!
[First date]
Date: I’m looking for a guy who’s above average.
Me: [Trying to be above average] I’ve eaten 17 spiders this year
CO-WORKER: Hey, I overheard you talking about followers or something. You on Twitter?
ME *sweating*: Uh, I’m in a cult
*Walking with wife listening to Dust In The Wind*
Me: This is our song.
*A dude walks by listening to it*
Me: That’s OUR song! GIVE IT BACK!
6-year-old: Why do I have to share a room?
Me: It could be worse. Harry Potter slept in a cupboard under the stairs.
6: Yeah. By himself.
My daughter just straight up out of the blue said “daddy if you ever get shot I hope it’s in the belly so your fat will save you” WTF
Unfortunately, my fear of moving stairs is escalating.
was driving on the freeway and this guy was speeding like a maniac, just weavin’ around, cutting everybody off like a damn nut. and then he exits the freeway at Zoo Drive! lmao this freak just trying to get to the zoo
Store clerk: May I help you?
Me: I hope so. Sweetie go get your math homework, this nice woman is going to help us.
It’s like Santa didn’t even care that Rudolph had a coke problem?
Lowes can be picky, they refused my coupon. Some lame excuse about written in crayon
How do I tell my kid the tooth fairy needs $15 change for the $20 she left under his pillow?
Its raining, its pouring,
Working here is boring.
It hurts my head, wish I was dead,
I’m just gonna lay on the flooring.
I asked my 5yo if he wanted leftover chicken for dinner, he said ‘ew, that’s a whole day old’ and I didn’t know I gave birth to a mini Gordon Ramsey.
Me *remembering my therapist said to be confident enough to answer questions* I’m under the table
Murderer: ok thanks