it’s so beautiful today i think i’ll take my ps5 outside
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Did you know most Americans only get to spend 2-3 hours with a new video game after launch before returning to work?
Paid. Gamer. Leave.
Three simple words I will make law when gamers around the country rise up and take back control of this country (which we founded, btw).
Pulled off my t-shirt too fast and made my glasses disappear. I’m now available for bookings.
absolutely pissing myself over this police chase in LA. man running from police. going over 100mph. but still religiously using his blinker
of course they’re your soulmate you only know 15 people
I wish my doctor would put down a little treat to distract me like my vet does for my dog.
My earliest family memory is of my wolf pack attacking and ravaging a deer. As always, Uncle Joe got the wishbone.
GOD: ask me anything
ME: why aren’t there middlecase letters?
GOD: *reaching for a button labeled “flood the earth again”*
Small blessings, like when the mirror fogs up and you can’t see yourself when you get out of the shower, naked.
In the grocery store and this little kid asked her Dad “can we get ice cream after?” The Dad said “maybe” I then walked by and said “that means yes” and then I left BECAUSE I LIKE TO STIR SHIT UP WHEN I SHOP
Every emotion briefly visited to open a jar of pickles.
Sorry I called you an imbecile.
I should’ve realized I would have to explain to you what that means.
Shepherd’s wife: You always seem so happy dear.
Shepherd: I got ewe babe.
sorrey im bad with names. im also bad with faces,, i put my grandma in a headlock, thinking she was the kid that stole my bike in 3rd grade
If climate change were a real threat, we would all simply open our doors and air condition the world. C’mon man.
#FF @funTweeters. They’re the crazies, I tell ya! #humor
My toddler woke up, saw her shadow, and predicted 6 hours of anarchy.
Huge increase in Botox use raises eyebrows
I have faith in unanswered prayers, unless I am stepping on the scale.
This guy poured his box of raisinets directly into his bag of popcorn at the movie counter. After my initial shock I bowed to him.
peak technology
Netflix should double as a dating site and be like “here are 9 other singles in your area that watched LOST for the past 11 hours.”
Youtube is the only place where you’ll find people arguing about religion in the comments of a snowboarding video.
I would’ve loved to have been a detective during the era when people’s watches always stopped at the exact second they were murdered. These days it’s all CCTV and social media. Bring back corpse watches.
All I’m saying is anyone who thinks it’s a great idea to buy a black car with black leather seats, needs to make sure they test drive it on a 104° day.
Not having any friends means I’m always the pretty one.
guy who has only been to ikea, walking into his second furniture store: can’t wait to eat the meatballs here
[two coworkers walk into my office]
Coworkers: Hey! It’s your two favorite people here to ask you a question!
Me: Where?
is it earth
This is the only cartoon analysis critic I will watch
[Ariel climbs Rapunzel’s hair with a dinglehopper between her teeth]
“There can only be one socially awkward Princess,” she vows savagely.