Michael Cera, too timid to send his food back even though he’s allergic to almonds, eats a meal and politely goes into anaphylactic shock.
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A taco bell would actually crack almost immediately so that’s a stupid name
always carrying a megaphone in case you have to sigh at someone far away
The top Little Caesars pizza competitor is Big Brutus.
One time my dad got mad at hulk hogan and yelled “YOURE WASTING SHIRTS” at the TV
I’m giving you my two weeks’ notice.
Husband: …
ME: (petting a dog) He loves this.
DOG: (being pet) He loves this.
“You ruined everything.”
-People exaggerating when you only ruined like one or two things, tops
21: Falls off second story balcony, laughs it off
51: “I’m no doctor but I’m pretty sure it’s not supposed to hurt when you button your pants”
584.
There’s two people you never, ever, ever talk to: cops and comics.
Saddest three words: hollow chocolate bunny
He loves me…
He loves me not…
He loves me…
He loves me not…
He loves me…
He loves me not…
He loves me…
He loves me not…Florist- “Umm. You’re gonna have to pay for those.”
if you can’t judge a book by its cover then graphic design is a big fat lie
Just realized that the group therapy I attended weekly for three years was actually the waiting room of a local optometrist.
It costs over $330,00 for parents to raise a child to the age of 18
And that’s just for the alcohol
Sometimes, I just want to be taken seriously. And sometimes, I just want to be taken, seriously.
I always say I heat up pizza rolls in the oven because they taste better that way but the truth is the amount of them I eat won’t fit in the toaster
ME: I’d like to return this sports bra.
CASHIER: Why?
ME: I wore it and I’m still bad at sports.
CASHIER: It’s just clothing. You train to be good at sports.
ME: *Sees training bra* Jackpot.
Me: I spy with my little eye someone who is guilty.
Murder suspect: Me?
Me: Ahah, so you confess!
[15 years ago]
Mom: Use protection. I’m too young to be a nana
[Now]
M: I’ll pay for the Russian mail order bride. I WANT GRANDCHILDREN!!
Daughter: Mom! I’m bringing Carl home to meet you guys this weekend
Me: I should warn you, we’re going to be nude this weekend
Her: What??
Me: Yes, Friday to Sunday with no clothes
Her: Why?
Me: We want to be naked
Her: Why can’t you just admit you don’t like him
Me: So naked
I always feel ripped off when someone asks if they can “sneak by you”, but then you say yes and they just walk by and aren’t sneaky at all.
“Never eat raw cookie dough” sounds like a lie made up a long time ago by some guy that sold ovens for a living.
Some people are hope, some people are nope.
Choose wisely.
Gecko at McDonald’s crawl through:
I’ll have A Bug Mac, flies & a small snake.
Apparently just because I have the “mind of a child” I’m not allowed to sit on a Santa’s lap. Also it’s “illegal” to carry a brain around.
My brother & I’ve competed for title of family black sheep for yrs.
He checked in at a strip-club…on FB.Well played brother, well played
Sorry to burst your bubble, but your waiter doesn’t really think your choice was excellent.
Me: not today, anxiety!
My kids: hold my koolaid..
Scientists have recently discovered that Rhino horns are radioactive “I wouldn’t touch ’em if I was a poacher” said 1 massive grey scientist