She wasn’t matching our energy so I had to fix it for her 🙄😂
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What idiot called it “being a werewolf” and not “having a beast infection?”
[Texting my 17 year old]
Me: how do I use tiktok?
Her: you don’t
me: you’ve changed since you go the pfizer vaccine
Jepfpf: no I haven’t
Geopfpf: I think she was talking to me
I’ve sustained two tea-pouring injuries so far this week. Suffice it to say I won’t be moving to London anytime soon.
“So your new carol is just eight verses of you demanding figgy pudding with increasing hostility.”
“That’s right.”
“And it’s called We Wish You A Merry Christmas?”
“Yes”
“Buts it not really about Christmas is it? It’s mostly about figgy—“
“—figgy pudding yeah.”
Her: I’d love to be a kept woman.
Me: [trying to impress] I happen to have a basement I use for keeping women.
Grandma lied about girls being all over me once I got older
On the 5th day, god was hungover & didn’t feel up to much so he created worms, shoelaces & spaghetti, then punched out just after 1pm.
trying not to judge stupid people too harshly anymore because it turns out i’m people and oh man am i stupid.
“Are you ready to rock?”
Scissors: no
Me: I like your Prince tattoo.
“It’s my mother.”
Me: Your mother is Prince?
no actually it’s called an “african-american” eye, bud. and i got it cause someone beat the crap out of me for being too politically correct
Genie: You get 3 wishes
Me: I wish you were terrible at math
Genie: You only have 14 more wishes
ten years ago we had Jason Shoes, Carl Shirt and Daniel Problem. now we have no shoes no shirt no problem welcom to dennys what can i get u
If I was Snow White you’d never be able to kill me with an apple…you’d have to poison an eclair or something…
Maybe mama duck isn’t leading her babies, maybe she’s trying to outrun them.
If I was a Premier League manager and my team were playing an 8:15pm midweek match, I’d give my players just one piece of advice before kick-off:
Brush your teeth now and wear your pyjamas under your kit. That way, you’ll be able to go to bed quicker when you get home.
9 out of 7 people can’t do fractions
In the ranking of country’s that drinks the most America is only #4. We need to fix this. Someone fix me a drink and help get us to #1.
Lifeguard 1: How was your day?
Lifeguard 2: Sad, I saw a bear in lake
1: How is that sad?
2: He could bearly swim!
1:..
2: He ate 3 campers
“I farms the taters…”
“…and I mashes the taters.”
What base is it when he says “I know you need it badly” but he’s talking about sleep.
People only want to do drugs named after women: Mary Jane, Molly, Lucy (in the Sky with Diamonds). No one wants to snort some Craig.
Me, a waiter: And you sir *writing on notepad* want the paprika potatoes
Him: Yes but without peas
Me *scribbling* the arika otatoes
On Monday I have appointments at the psychologist and the gynecologist and if it was the 1800s that would be the same thing
A pork chop is one of the most dangerous karate moves a pig is capable of.
I am always amazed when people grossly exaggerate my lifestyle as a lesbian. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have a topless cupcake fight to attend.
Me: This spaghetti is spicy.
Aquarium Employee: Did you just bite an electric eel
“Update your Adobe or you’ll be sleeping with the fishes”
– Flash mob