We DID NOT walk 500 mile.
And we WOULD NOT walk 500 more.~ The Disclaimers.
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This place is like batting practice with tomatoes.
[The year was 2050]
“Grandpa why are you sitting outside”
“There was a time when this was illegal you know”
So what do you do for a living?
“I’m in the Secret Service”
Wow, you didn’t keep that secret too well did you
People who say “You can’t argue with that” really don’t know me very well.
I have a kidney to donate. It’s not mine, so I don’t know much about it.
How to find Kentucky on a map
I only like movies with a happy ending, which has led to several arrests in theaters
They act like technology is ruining childhood, but back in the day, kids were so bored they would turn their eyelids inside out for fun.
*sets up 10 security questions for online account*
*clicks on “remember me”*
Boy, are you a yellow sports car because I am embarrassed to be seen with you but I am very pleased with your performance.
Well of course the supermassive black hole that will eventually annihilate our galaxy is a Sagittarius.
Border Patrol never did chase down that illegal baby food smuggler from Mexico. I heard he was so fast they nicknamed him Formula Juan.
Ghost of Christmas Past: ‘You were kind of an idiot.’
Ghost of Christmas Present: ‘You’re an idiot.’
Ghost of Christmas Yet to Come: ‘You’re-‘
Me: ‘I get it, I get it!’
Friends, I say this to you with tongue firmly in cheek – don’t ever put super glue in your mouth.
I have a mice problem so I lay out tiny red and blue bandanas in hopes they start a west coast/east coast thing and take care of each other.
I hate it when they leave before I can make it awkward.
Well, this is awkward
If I end up on life support, feel free to pull the plug.. However, if I’m charging my phone, stay the hell away from the outlet.
Me: You never told me you were on the debate team in college..
Her: Yes I did.
Me: No you didn’t.
Her: Yes I did.
Me: Oh you’re good!
It’s been a really expensive month for the last 125 months.
Tonight’s to-do list:
-honk
-shoo
-honk
-mimimimimi
The school phoned me today and said, “Your son’s been telling lies.”
I replied, “Well, tell him he’s bloody good – I ain’t got any kids!”
cant sleep because i keep thinking about the time i went into my garage and saw a raccoon holding a pen correctly
Lately I go to the restroom at the movies, but forget where I’m seated then return & just begin a new life in a new seat with a new family.
the top three reasons people break up:
-cheating
-fights about money
-incompatible peanut butter types
I’m going to the gym now.
Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
My neighbor told me I should start living my dreams so I had sex with his wife
I see all my neighbors out there mowing their lawns and I wonder if they’d come do mine also.
Both hands Mommy!
-my 4yo the backseat driver.