I opened the internet to read today’s news and quickly said “Oh, god, sorry” and closed it like I’d walked in on an unlocked bathroom stall.
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I lost my cool when I had to click on a heart three times before it would stick.
I’d probably make a lousy paramedic.
Victorian photographers like “Okay we have a two deceased relatives propped in chairs package or our popular one deceased, multiple poses plus family pet package. We can include coffins but the trend now is to have some fun capturing pics where it’s unclear who’s actually alive”
Do you ever wonder if your parents spoil your kids to get back at you for what you put them through as a teenager? Because I’m totally thinking of doing that.
[sex addiction group]
“Hi, my name is Fred, and as I’ve got a saxophone in my hand it’s fair to assume I misread the ad”
Kids are great bc it’ll be freezing and they’ll complain about being cold and you have to remind them that they can wear pants
My cat has been looking up at the corner of the ceiling and hissing at it for the past 30 minutes in other news I just put my house up for sale.
I don’t think my car can fly
Wait, you actually took my advice?! You poor poor thing.
I thought my Monday couldn’t get any worse but then Linda from HR said I can’t *make* people in the office call me Stingray.
They call it “childbirth” lest anyone think that women give birth to adults or kangaroos.
HORSE: *walks into a bar*
BARTENDER: Why the long face?
HORSE: Updog
BARTENDER: What’s updog?
HORSE: Not much just walking into a bar
Coffee can’t solve all of my problems, but it can reduce the criminal charges for the future.
check in attendant: are you flying alone?
me: I’ll probably need a pilot
I don’t do escape rooms. If I wanted to feel trapped and confused for an hour, I’d ask my husband to explain how Bitcoin works.
‘see you in hell’ so it’s a date?
My cat likes to trampoline on my bladder if I don’t feed him. He knows just the spot that will get me leaping out of bed at 5 or 6 am.
Is “drunk” an emotion?
Because if it is, I am feeling SUPER emotional right now….
Engineer: quick open up the coal gate, we need to vent the burner!
Me: *opens toothpaste* how is this supposed to help?
Engineer: The door on the coal burner you stupid fu-
[train explodes]
kids today are missing out of the pre-streaming era, where your childhood was at least partially defined by some semi-obscure movie your family just happened to own on tape and you watched several dozen times
Kid at skatepark:
“Are you Tony Hawk?”
me: I am
him: “no you’re not”
me: ok, I’m not
him: “but are you, FOR REAL?”
me: I am, for real
him: I thought you’d look younger
me: ME TOO
The perfect Christmas lights display doesn’t exi……..
A tweet about the Titanic & speech impediments?
Unthinkable.
Fun like a LinkedIn notification
Doctor: This makes no sense. The ultrasound isn’t finding your baby
Wife: Haha, well I guess we know who he takes after
Waldo: *from behind a curtain* That’s my boy
When you smile and laugh and pretend you heard a word they said.
~ Night club conversations and marriage
GOOGLE USER: What are symptoms of skin cancer
GOOGLE: 20% off best skin cancer now
the fbi, studying my kidnapper’s proof of life photo of me, notice a morse code message of mustard stains across the front of my shirt that says: ‘we’re out of mustard’
There’s a jar of candy on my kitchen counter and I only ate 32 pieces.
Shower me with praise for my ironclad willpower.
I learned two important lessons today. I can’t remember the first lesson, but the second one is I have to start writing things down.
Billy Joel is wearing damp clothes because he didn’t start the dryer