Went on a family vacation and 80% of the pics are my 11yo looking like her dog just died
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My husband is turning 58 tomorrow. Join me wishing him “Jesus, you’re how old?”
Me: That guy is a bad apple.
6-year-old: He’s a person.
Me: I just meant he’s mean.
6: Probably because you called him an apple.
[Security breach at Wayne manor]
BRUCE: *brooding darkly*
ALFRED: The back door is literally just a waterfall
Birds wouldn’t be so smug in zero gravity, I bet
Cheer up.
All those years of school never taught me the most important life lesson. Green gummy bears are strawberry flavored.
Cat: Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk… [ *Coughs up hairball* ]
Dog: You gonna eat that?
Dressing up for Halloween is just a way of saying “I want to be uncomfortable for an entire evening in the hopes of answering the same question a hundred times.”
Dry January. Only drinking dry martinis.
“Cake by the Ocean” probably has some alternate meaning but I’m too old to really care so I like to think it’s about a nice, young fellow eating birthday cake on the beach.
What if we just vaccinated a bunch of mosquitoes and released them?
This country is bonkers. Toilet paper: gone. Bottled water: sold out. And yet nobody else thought to stock up on the single most important thing. Good luck now suckers! Ya snooze ya lose
Flooding- Blame it on the rain
Gluten allergy- Blame it on the grain
Ripped pants- Blame it on the gain
Forgot- Blame it on the brain
Selfies- Blame it on the vain
Lost karate tournament- Blame it on the crane
Me: Baby, would you do that sexy thing with your mouth?
Her: *Yodels*
I’m calling the cops.
husband: you’re so sweaty. did you work out?
me: [just ate half a block of cheese] yes
A friend of mine was telling me that his wife thinks he’s too impulsive. I told him, “What does she know, you only met her yesterday.”
Welcome to your fifties. You have seven pairs of reading glasses throughout your house, but you can’t find any of them, including the ones on your head.
Mayonnaise has been getting a lot of hate, but if you don’t shake up a squeeze bottle of mustard well enough, it will pee on your sandwich.
I wish No More Tangles shampoo would work on Christmas lights.
Detective: I see, and how long has she been missing?
Me: (holding back tears) 3 days
D: Mmhm. And we have her Instagram so we know what she looks like
M: Not really
cat lawyer slowly pushing the opposing lawyer’s evidence off the courtroom table
I’m ready for the kind of love that sweeps you off your feet ❤️🖕❤️
I hope this email finds you well. But if you’re well, that means you were able to answer my previous emails, so honestly I’d feel better if this email finds you unwell.
A passenger is at the airport at 6AM in a pressed suit and said “good morning!”
Excuse me, sir, that is not the vibe here. The rest of us have agreed to be sullen and wear the closest thing to pajamas you can legally leave the house in.
Go back and try again.
I don’t think my blind date was blind, she read the menu and caught the basketball I threw at her
Thoughts that keep me awake….
why don’t flamingos have one really muscley leg?
*this tweet is brought to you by rum…*
My son calls them “please cars” because any time I speed past a cop he hears me mutter “please don’t pull me over!”
Friend: Call me when you wake up
[3 days later]
Me: Okay I’m up!