The “Is it a bird? Is it a plane” trope makes it canon that Superman flies in a T-pose
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no one:
contestants on every singing show: hi my life is really sad
I start conversations with my children by saying “Listen to me,” to ensure they stop paying attention from the beginning.
That moment when you see candid pics of yourself, taken from behind while out walking and it just confirms you look like a giant chicken nugget propped up on two waffle cones.
Ok, I’m finally off dairy. Next is sugar, then heroin.
I wouldn’t know what to do with a member even if I caught one
DOCTOR: I have some bad news. You have HIV
ROMAN: What?!
DOCTOR: Do you have any questions at this time?
ROMAN: Yes, wtf is H4?
my future husband is probably fake laughing at his girlfriends Iame jokes rn. be patient king, a true clown is on the way.
every girl is defined by their one lost love. and by that i mean the one fast food item that was discontinued without warning, subsequently ruining their life
I love the meaningful conversations I have with my son.
“YOU BETTER DIE IN YOUR FORTNITE GAME BECAUSE DINNER IS READY IN 5 MINUTES!”
My husband bought me jewelry for Valentine’s day. He doesn’t know it yet, but that was still nice of him.
I’m not getting married till Pizza Hut allows gift registry.
13 just put on deodorant without being told so he must have a girlfriend now
As an incredibly powerful, mostly evil, very attractive supernatural being, I have one weakness:
A female protagonist who has just turned sixteen and thinks there’s nothing special about her at all.
Wife – You ate all of the Reeses eggs?
Me – You left them out in the open on the top shelf under the shirts in the back of the closet.
accidentally signed off an important email with “all the vest”
Not many people know this but if you just start crying, the customer service rep will just do what you asked
COWORKER: turn that frown upside-down!
ME: *rotates head 180 degrees along vertical axis as eyes go black and lights flicker*
CW: uuhh…
I don’t even have a calendar anymore, I just go to my guys group chat and write “Tuesdays am I right fellas” and if nobody says “you said it brother” then I know it’s not Tuesday
I once accidentally broke up with a girl on a broken-down train, when I said “I don’t think this is going anywhere.”
When my laptop asks “Are you sure?”, it’s because it still remembers all of the other bad decisions I have made.
[Date]
(don’t let her know you’re an alien larva)Her: I wonder where he is?
*I burst through her chest*
Me: Did you order yet? I’m starved
Me: Hello darkness my old friend
Darkness: please stop calling me that. My name is Susan
The family that dives into an active volcano together stays together.
A word of caution from someone who took two (2) of his kids to their initial orthodontist appointments today: Before you decide that you can afford to have children, remember that children have teeth.
U-HAUL, may I help you?
“You have any moving boxes?”
No all our boxes stay still
“Well you better go- wait what?”
Stop calling here, Dad
*sees a newborn baby*
One day, someone will write mean things about you on the Internet
[on date]
Ok, don’t let her know ur a vampire.
Her: I think I’ll have a steak.
A STAKE??
[turns into bat and flies away]
I don’t understand people who do things on weekends. You just did things all week. What’s next, more things?? That’s how they get you