7yr old: Mum, what happens if you eat lots of tinsel?
Me: probably emergency surgery to prevent obstruction somewhere in your digestive system.
7yr old: *blank face* *small voice* you get tinselitis.
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People who don’t reply to your messages within a second are so annoying. Also the people who expect your reply within a second.
Overhead my kids arguing about what color is the “tastiest” for a banana to be eaten. One said yellow with brown spot and the other said green.
First of all, this just proves that kids can fight about anything and secondly, both of them are wrong… It’s yellow.
Allah? Oh shit. I’ve been praying to Alan
Me: *walks to counter* One large fry.
Cashier: Sir, there’s a line.
Me: Oh, they’re not with me.
Area Man Already Knows Which Chicken Tender He’s Saving For Last
I’m tired of 19 year olds thinking they’re special for being hot. You’re 19 You’re supposed to be hot. Call me when you’re 45 and hot.
Me: You want to explain to me your presentation before you do it in class?
Kid: No mumma it will take too long for you to understand.
My prompt email replies are 10% due to me being a diligent employee, and 90% due to the crippling OCD that compels me to clear my inbox.
If you love someone, throw your earbuds at them. There’s a good chance they’ll be entangled in them and won’t be able to run.
My middle son has two imaginary horses that he always brings to my house
It’s really sweet, but it’s costing me a fortune in imaginary hay
get you a girl who
Today I nearly met my end!…it was in a yoga class.
A lot of people think my handle is my actual name but it isn’t. My real name is Rachel Onomatopoeia.
i’m a Leo which means i won’t win an Oscar for several more years
Ever send the wrong emoji and end up with a wife and 2 kids.
If you say “anyways” instead of “anyway,” that’s alls I needs to knows abouts yous.
A car window made specifically for a dog to stick its head out of is called a sunwoof.
asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life
“President Clinton, can you respond to rumors of renewed infidelity?”
The only woman in my life is my darling *squints at notecard* Hitlery
In Australia we say tuna not tuna fish because tuna cow and tuna chicken are not readily available here.
Wife: have you seen the kids?
Me: yeah [sips coffee] too much.
You know how you have that ONE hoodie that no matter when or what you’re eating — you ALWAYS spill something on it? It’s cuz you’re a pig.
[War Museum]
Cop: Ma’am, you called about some stolen torpedoes?
Me: Actually I said Doritos
Cop: *walks away
Me: THEY WERE COOL RANCH
*bolts upright in bed..
If there’s 24 hrs in a day how many hrs are in a night?!!?
Me: I’d like a raspberry margarita.
Waitress: Do you want sugar on your rim?
Me:
Waitress:
Me: [looking nervously at my wife]
Wife: OMG SHE IS TALKING ABOUT THE DRINK
A chicken that’s good with numbers is a mathematish-hen.
There’s a Canadian on vacation somewhere in Florida right now telling everyone they meet Y’ALL DONT KNOW WHAT COLD IS
Post-it Note stuck to desk: Stop wasting Post-it Notes!
Big shoutout to whoever named Bagpipes. Fuckin’ nailed it, my dude.
*opening heating bill* I wonder how much coal will fit in my stocking