me: i’m sorry
gordon ramsay: yes donkey sorry for what?
me: i’m sorry i burnt the quesadillas
gordon ramsay: that’s better big boy
me: look man you’re gonna have to leave this is a private residence
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“Have you tried putting balogna in it?”
~me, as a marriage counselor
Walking down the road last night, I passed an apple pie, an ice cream sundae, and a lemon cheesecake.
I thought: “the streets are strangely desserted tonight”.
contortionist: what’s wrong?
proctologist: your head’s in the way
Monday?
No. Next question.
Show me on this doll where the bad man gave you a skewed perspective of a female body
My son just threatened to not talk to me for the rest of the day.
I’m 3% offended and 97% hoping he follows through.
My son just said, “Peace on Earth, goodwill to men,” and shot me in the face with a Nerf™️ gun.
I dropped a telephone book on my foot, and when I called 911, they just sent a police car to arrest me for having a phone book in my house
You know you’re a mom when you need deep, calming breaths because he’s eating two hot pockets, 10 minutes before dinner.
hello, this is the co-pilot speaking. the captain can’t talk cause we both said “hope we don’t die haha” at the same time and i jinxed him
I’m not proud of the person I become when there’s a cheese tray at a party.
When I get depressed about an underperforming tweet, I think about starving kids in Africa & how lucky they are to never experience my pain.
Looking at hotels, one review says there are “drug attics” here.
Well what a fun little storage idea!
Booked it
I hope my company doesn’t😂😂
HER: Impress me.
ME: I own a record label-
HER: Ooooooo
ME: er. A record labelER. It makes labels for my Abba vinyls.
STEWARDESS: Does anyone know how to defuse a bomb?
PERSON WHO DOESN’T FLINCH OPENING A CAN OF CRESCENT ROLLS: Right here.
My friend got stung by a jellyfish so I took a massive shit on his leg & he forgot all about the jellyfish.
Friend: Hey, if you have a gambling problem, there’s a number you should call
Me: I bet it starts with an 8
I avoid clarified butter because I prefer my dairy products to be troubled and confused.
So UBER is not a dating app?
*sigh*
I kinda thought all those ‘Goodbye’ kisses seemed more awkward than usual.
I painted a hot chick with big jugs
My knee hurts so bad today and I have tried everything under the sun to make it feel better— everything except vodka.
That ends five minutes ago.
I’ve been learning to cook.
When people say “To be honest…”, it means that up to that point they’ve been lying.
PHYSICIST: Time is relative and dependent on speed and gravity
FRIEND: Yeah okay, but my wedding starts at 4 so can you make it or not?
TUESDAY. The day you realize that nothing can stop you, because you are a MAGIC SKELETON packed with MEAT and animated with ELECTRICITY and IMAGINATION. You have a cave in your face full of sharp bones and five tentacles at the end of each arm. YOU CAN DO ANYTHING, MAGIC SKELETON
Trying to watch what I eat again so I just ate an entire loaf of bread with half a jar of Nutella I’d say that’s a good start
The best plant holders?