[boxing match]
Commentator: Silva is in the red shorts with green, white & yellow trim
Me: the black guy. Just say Silva is the black guy
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My son just asked me to buy a book for school that he needs to read by tomorrow.
Now I need to go hide all my procrastination awards before I yell at him for procrastinating.
I hit my daily fruit intake yesterday by eating all the fruit garnishments in and on my drinks
The donkey kong soundtrack stays on during sex
People should be able to call in healthy: “Look, I’m not coming into the office today. I feel really good and I don’t want to waste it on being at work “
It may just be the parasite talking, but I’m going to climb that super tall building over there and release all my spores.
Back in my day there was so much Toilet Paper and Eggs, that we would throw them at the houses of our enemies!
I offered Kinkos $5 for this… they said no.
Thinking about how the Dutch police arrested a bird for taking part in a robbery, put it in a jail cell with bread and water & when the media reported on it they put a little black bar over the face to protect its identity
Just because they call the 20yr high school reunion Prom 2.0 doesn’t mean you should wear your prom dress. I know this now.
My anaconda don’t want none unless you use proper grammar and avoid using double negatives.
Going forward I’m only saying I love you to cheeseburgers.
If my kids made a Lego Movie song
Everything Is Stickyy
Anywhere Is Cool For Wiping Your Hands
Everything Is Stickyyy
And Mommy Will Scream
Dr. to my 9 yr old son: So you’ll pee in this cup…
*9 starts giggling
Dr.:
9: We’re not allowed to say ‘pee.’
Me,rubbing my temples: We say ‘tinkle.’
Dr: E-
Me: YES EVEN THE ADULTS
I cannot stop thinking about how the director of Con Air’s previous directing credit was 10 years earlier and it was the music video for Rick Astley’s Never Gonna Give You Up.
*replies to everyone’s subtweets
“I love you too baby”
Health Tip: If you add a raisin to your 1-pound bag of M&M’s it becomes Trail Mix and you can eat the whole thing.
Who dies surrounded by friends. Hey Mike come over I’m dying
Pepsi and Coke can’t even be in the same restaurant together and society wants us all to get along. Pffftt.
I stopped putting coffee in my sugar, and it shows!!!
Surviving Wednesday, then remembering the rest of the week still exists
I don’t trust rain…
Nature giving away free water like a damn hippie, instead of charging $2.99 a bottle like God intended?
Something doesn’t add up and it feels like communism
Both my wife and I work from home. She treats me as a colleague despite us doing completely different roles in very different industries. She keeps bouncing ideas off me to which I nod along helpfully. No idea what she’s talking about.
There is a dude in a fedora sitting next to you on the bus. Is he:
A. a ghost hunter
B. a virgin
C. a sword collector
D. all of the above
I had two students lose teeth yesterday and this morning they excitedly told me how much money the tooth fairy left. One got $10, the other $20. I may start pulling my own teeth out soon.
One of my biggest fears during a zombie apocalypse is having to sleep without a fan
[loud bar]
Her: I have to urinate
Me: What?
H: Urinate
M: What?
H: URINATE!
M: Well, YOU’RE a 10!
H: Huh? No! You’re like a 5. I gotta pee.
The car’s navigation system warned me of a pothole and then asked if it was still there. Not only is it still there, it has friends.
Darth Vader: [swiping through tinder] why am I not getting any matches
Stormtrooper: [under breath] maybe because you’re an evil genocidal maniac
Darth Vader: is it because I’m a single dad
A jellyfish can go its entire lifetime without ever meeting a peanutbutterfish
“Our guests often come for a week but stay for months.”
– The cruise industry, putting a positive spin on Covid-19.