[courtroom]
Timothy: I was not involved
Victor: Nor was I
Lawyer: You could say it was a Vic-, Tim-less cri-
Judge: You’re all going to jail
You Might Also Like
When people are trending on twitter, I know that they died or said something racist.
“Please be aware that we are experiencing higher than average call volume”
*connects*
Agent: Hello
Me (whispering): hello
Me: What do you say when someone shows you a pic of their ugly baby?
Friend: Just make a comment like “Look at all that hair!”
[looking at pic later on]
Me: Look at all that nose!
Eventually, everyone in Russia will fall out a window…
Stop asking me about my five year plan.
Let me eat my pizza in peace and denial.
Just howling at the moon and eating whatever I can find until my navel pops out like an angry elevator button, how about you?
It wasn’t weird until my husband asked why I didn’t send him the nudes I made him take of me.
I took off my shirt when I got home and my wife put her eclipse glasses back on.
I told the hubs someone must’ve broke in and stole his phone charger.
He’ll believe that before he’ll agree he misplaced it somewhere.
Just the other day, I asked my mom at what age do children start really listening to their parents but I don’t remember what her answer was.
How to place cats on green screens using Adobe After Effects everywhere
a band called LinkedIn Park that’s just a bunch of accountants having a midlife crisis
Tried this new Playlist in the car, on the treadmill, at my desk, but it seems the best place for me to listen to old Greenday is 1992.
In my defense, it was my first eulogy. I assumed it was supposed to rhyme.
I wonder what song the Little Mermaid was singing when she viciously ripped a clam in half to make a bikini top?
scarecrow: i need a brain!
tin man: i need a heart!
me: i need a stomach that stops me from ordering three delivery items, that knows it’s going to be satisfied by one delivery item
dorothy: again, he’s not with us
they smoked a joint and
overthrew the government.
now that’s a high coup
My 7yo was asked what he loves most about his parents:
Mommy is cuddly, likes to dance, and makes yummy cookies.
Daddy is the only one in the family with hair on his face.
WWE is French for “yes”
[ordering Indian food]
them: thank you for calling Chutneys, what would-
me: I’m white
them: say no more, where would you like your butter chicken and garlic naan delivered?
This frozen meal expects me to know what wattage my microwave is like I’m some kind of wizard.
HER: I work for the Red Cross.
ME: *leaning in* That’s a huge plus.
Lie about the gap in your resume. Tell them you had to help hobbits take a ring to Mordor or something
dear law students: nothing in the civil rules prohibits yelling out latin phrases like harry potter spells.
My wife asked me: “What’s the most risky, dangerous food you’ve ever eaten.”
Me: “wedding cake”.
Internet Explorer: so about last night
Me: Oh, i used you for flash.
IE: Are we back together, am i your default?
Me: don’t make this weird
I hate when people can’t let go of the past.
Debt collectors are the worst.
If a car depreciates as soon as you drive it off the lot then shouldn’t the price go down when you return from a test drive?
My husband ran 13 miles this morning for fun. I had cookies for breakfast. It’s nice to be the sane one for a change.
I like this time of year because I can dig graves in my front yard and people think it’s just a cute Halloween display