Cop 1: There’s been another murder
Cop 2: I think I see a pattern emerging
Cop 1: Please. Put your knitting down and focus
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Sorry, “hella” was an inappropriate word choice. I was trying to be cool. I’ll rephrase: Your son is totally missing.
My goal weight is for it not to look like I’m having a stroke when I yawn.
Me: It’s cold out there today!
12: How cold?
Me: ICE COLD!
Alright, alright, alright, alright, alright
Alright, alright, alright, alright, alright
Alright, alright, alright, alright12: *sighs*
It takes a lot of courage for a man to admit his wife is wrong…
*Breakfast*
-Do u want the buffet?-No, I’ll order off the menu
-The buffet has more options
-That’s ok. I know what I want
-The buffet?
-No.
-Look, I don’t feel like bringing u food.
Fact: in the wild, gorillas can go hours without checking their phones for notifications.
Can’t afford rent so I started living in the moment.
gotta say, i love living by the sword. i hope there are no consequences from this regarding how i ultimately die
Shy girl has a crush on shy boy.Shy boy has a crush on shy girl.Neither of them say anything.They both do a lot of homework.#VeryRealisticYA
*Cracks knuckles*
“Time to solve an international conflict with the worst takes you’ve ever seen in your life”
Spiders are all like, “I’m gonna build my home right above this dude’s head.”
[job interview]
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
I’m always hungry
“That’s not what I-”
*takes out a cake* Also, I don’t like to share
My pal said, “Cheer up, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water.”
I know he means well.
Sometimes when I’m feeling lonely, I head on over to Best Buy and pretend to know nothing about my phone.
Me: I used to use baby oil so I’d fry faster in the sun, then of course the eventual peel and tan that followed
Satan: I honestly don’t know where you belong. You’re very insane.
Couldn’t find regular eggs so i just bought 3 dozen Cadbury caramel eggs because where there’s a will there’s a way
Frankenstein was 90% about someone making up a guy and then getting mad at him
People always ask me if my problem kid is the middle child but my husband is the oldest.
I waitress because if I don’t get screamed at twice a day about condiments, I don’t feel like I have put in an honest days work.
In the hierarchy of my office, I was Pam for so many years that it’s hard to accept that I am now firmly Phyllis even though she’s obviously the coolest
love that every recipe article begins extended background context now. i came here to learn how to cook, but now i’m 6 pages deep into pancake lore. it’s the lord of the rings’ appendices for the modern age.
Fellow senior citizens:
If a young person replies “dead” to your joke, they liked it.
You don’t need to push your lifealert button.
Spring is what we call the time in between complaining about the cold and complaining about the heat
Always leave them wanting their money back.
“I hope this email finds you well”
The email finding me
Daughter likes bananas.
Daughter likes banana bread.
Daughter won’t eat this banana bread because it tastes too much like bananas.
I don’t understand what you mean by ‘stop drinking so much’. How else will you know how much I love you at 2am every day?
My wife put toilet paper on automatic purchase and delivery from Amazon so we never run out.
Challenge accepted!
Seriously, if I were a manager at Burger King, my answer to every complaint would be, “You’re at Burger King.”
A good way to break up with a girl is to leave her a trail of rose petals starting from her front door to North Korea.