I bet my doctor wasn’t expecting to say “Sir, that is not a toy” so many times today.
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*snorting spilled coffee grounds off the dirty floor* I DONT HAVE A PROBLEM
I’ve never learned anything from a good decision.
What I say: “Agree to disagree”
What I really mean: “You are dumb and I will allow you to stay that way”
“Can I buy you a drink?”
“I’d rather just have the money”
Not to brag but my Motorola flip top phone still has the same full charge since 96′
Parenting is about lovingly tucking your kids into bed at night and still waking up with a small foot on your face.
GENIE: you have 3 fishes
ME: you mean wishes, right?
GENIE: times are tough
ME:
GENIE:
ME:
GENIE:
ME: I’ll take two mackerel and a goldfish
if you’re a young person, ask a middle-aged man what music they listened to in the 90s. let them talk for 30 mins. act interested and say “oh wow no way that’s so cool.” after that you can ask them for any favor
I handed her the flowers. “You shouldn’t of!” she said. I took them back. “Have,” I whispered
robber: me n Lenny will handle this job tonight, obviously you’re gonna be lookout again…sorry Joe
giraffe: this is bullshit Steve
if you count cows instead of sheep to try and fall asleep it’s probably pasture bedtime (i’m so sorry)
You can’t make me breathe heavy.
You aren’t a flight of stairs.
Daughter: dada?
Me: no honey it’s not.
Daughter: is time travel possi-
Me: [winks].
Daughter: [runs away] AHHHHHHH!
Wife: how did you do that?
Me: I paid our son a dollar to ask her to ask me.
Why is it called a ‘dad-bod’ and not a ‘father-figure’?
Naked and Afraid but it’s just me wandering around the house at night looking for the source of the sound in my dream that woke me
[first day as waiter]
Me: the chef recommends the carb-free hamburger wrap with—
Sir Mix-A-Lot: 🎶My anaconda don’t want none unle—
Me: sir you can’t bring pets into the restaurant
Apparently I’m a bad mother for having a lip piercing. Actually sir, that is a zit. Thank you for pointing it out.
So what do you do for a living?
“I’m in the Secret Service”
Wow, you didn’t keep that secret too well did you
The fridge beeped at my 5yo because he left the door open too long deciding what to eat, and he yelled back IT’S AN EMERGENCY OK
My wife said that I set up the baby monitor wrong. Apparently it’s not supposed to be duct-taped to the baby’s ankle.
Me: *brings home new puppy*
My dogs: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE?!
I hope my enemies are walking around in wet socks.
*gets a Fitbit for Christmas*
*puts it on a squirrel*
computer: choose a password
me: TheScarletLetter
computer: password cannot contain symbols
Me: I would like to eat a boiled mermaid
Waiter: sir I don’t think you underst-
Me: the bottom half
Waiter: very good, sir
Tragically, I misread her profile. Apparently her favorite position is “reserved cowgirl.”
Girl you are his 9th twitter girlfriend in 2 years, he’s not your soulmate.
I enjoy romantic scrolls up and down your timeline.
We should be able to pick our zodiac sign, like choosing your piece in Monopoly: “Nope I’m not playing today unless I can be the crab or the lion”
Today my husband ate margarine with a spoon. Long story short, I’m unable to see a future with him. We had a good run.