I’m really bad at measuring the correct amount of pasta when cooking, so if you and 79 of your friends want spaghetti tonight…I got extra.
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Friend: How’s your Keto diet going?
Me: [throws fourth T-bone onto plate] My cholesterol’s extremely high, so I had a heart attack, but I’ve lost 2 pounds.
I bet deaf people scare the shit out of bank tellers when they hand them a note.
Vulcans are space-elves.
Look at the ears.
If looks could kill
i would simply not board a british passenger liner that was poorly captained and about to sideswipe an iceberg
Ever take a look at @thefunnytweeter? I’m honored that they have some of my tweets on a page.
69% of people find something dirty in every sentence.
I saved my husband’s life insurance company 1 million dollars by switching to xanax.
The true irony in Taylor Swift singing about feeling 22 at age 23 is that I want to hit her in the face with a cast iron skillet.
Gave my Dad a ouija board so we can keep in touch after he gave my Mom a vacuum for her birthday
omg my backyard is so spooky at night! the crickets, the raccoons, the old woman with no eyes in the white veil, the frogs etc
If you need me, I’m in bed snuggling with my emotional support Funyuns.
[ant colony]
husband: I am beat
wife: you’re the one who wanted to be in construction. I should’ve married a doctor
husband: yeah but *flexing* can a doctor lift 5,000 times his body weight?
wife: WE ALL CAN, GARY
A lot of people are shocked to learn that I’m still single. Especially my wife.
The Windows weather app shows moon rise and set times. Who is this information for? Werewolves?
Her: It would really mean a lot to my mother if you came
Me *pulling out*: I know she wants grandkids but we’re not ready
Me: I’m feeling really confident right now.
Universe: Humble her.
The whispering voices in horror movies but they’re complaining about unfolded laundry.
If orange juice comes with pulp included, vodka should have mashed potato in it.
What if we gave the railroad workers LSD?
– inventor of the roller coaster
my dance moves can best be described as “did that dude just try to leap frog?” & “whoa that’s a lot of blood” & “is he still alive?”
Whenever I go down the stairs next to an escalator, I always move faster than the escalator to prove to the people I made the better decision
If you have nothing mean to say, say it in German.
Shit. My daughter just told me that the handwriting on the Tooth Fairy’s I.O.U. looks the same as mine.
been doing nothing but overeating and avoiding exercise since this quarantine started and for the last 10 years before that
I just got a paper cut from a 108 yr old book so I’m sitting here waiting to turn into a vampire
Eggs are just drums you can only play once
Girl: I dumped my last boyfriend cause he always gave short answers. I never knew what he was thinking. That’s so annoying, right?
Me: Word
The day we decided such footwear would be called “flip-flops” was not our most creative moment.
The first 12-16 hours after waking up are always the most difficult.