app: do u want me to notify u
me: of what
app: of me
me: i know about u
app: this is to remind u
me: don’t need that
app: ok let’s discuss again later
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I bet cats are sad that they don’t have a middle finger.
why is my iphone predictive text so obsessed with trying to get me to go to church… every time I say “how’s…” it suggests “church.” same for “just going…” and “I’m at…” is Apple trying to save me
My teens cleaned their rooms & according to my sink & countertops, they’ve been hoarding my whole kitchen.
House 4 Sale: older home w/ character & charm. Lovely bookshelves. Ignore Matthew McConaughey, we don’t know how he got trapped in the wall.
When your daughter asks “are your snacks more important than me??” you should NOT pause to think.
I know this now.
How many cops does it take to change a lightbulb?
None, they just beat the room for being black.
*drops mic, gets beat by security*
There are a million designers working on making website buttons have better gradients and none working on the cord that changes how fast your ceiling fan is going. Literally no one knows what speed their fan is on or what will happen if they pull the cord again
I hate it when I speak French to the homeless guy saying I don’t understand English and he replies in French so I have to give him money.
My sleeping pills say don’t mix with alcohol, but drop it in the glass and it dissolves just fine. Doctors think they know everything.
“You can have sex with my sister over my dead body”
“Umm, I appreciate the weird offer, but I’m just gonna do it in my car”
God: So you want me to swap you and your BF’s places
Kate Bush: Yes
God: What’s in this deal for me?
Kate Bush: I’d be running up that road
God:
Kate Bush: Be running up that hill
God:
Kate Bush: Be running up that building
God: Yeah, it’s a no. NEXT
They say throwing a party is about planning, but it’s really about setting aside your pride and asking your friends and family to bring whatever dumb items you forgot.
“Don’t sit down and wait for the opportunities to come. Get up and make them.”
*sandwiches
In honor of the winter solstice I will also be cold, distant & filled with darkness.
Little Mermaid remake: Ariel falls in love after seeing the tender way Prince Eric holds a fish in his Tinder profile.
I’m sorry I slapped you but you didn’t seem like you would ever stop talking and I panicked.
The Phantom of the Opera paints a false picture that chicks dig dudes that play a mean pipe organ
new career option?
me: ah shit, 4 missed calls from my mom…[stares at door]
[FBI agents kick in door] WHY DO U EVEN HAVE A CELL PHONE IF U NEVER ANSWER IT
My husband’s parenting style is to menacingly say “Yeah!” after everything I say when I reprimand the kids.
Sent my ex a card that said, “Get better soon.”
He’s not ill, just really crap in bed.
If I wasn’t meant to have a bowl of Halloween candy for dinner, I should’ve had more trick or treaters.
I was disappointed to find out a sexagenarian is someone in their 60s and not a career option.
Keep microwaving fish in the office and stop wondering why you never get a desk by the windows.
My arm could be chopped off and I could be covering the wound with paper towels and my wife would be like, “Too many. You’re wasting them!”
I say ‘tomato’, you say ‘put your hands where I can see them and exit the vehicle slowly’ .
[At the funfair]
*Fire alarm sounds*
Me: *in the hall of mirrors* oh no.
Hey girl, I heard you like bad boys?
*starts jigsaw puzzle from middle instead of edges*
[meeting my gf’s parents]
her: *quietly* don’t worry, my dad’s nice but he doesn’t say much[later]
her dad: I love my daughter very a lot
me: i see
Dating is an expensive way to find out you don’t like someone.