Instead of saying you lost your eyesight due to an explosion while you were making meth, just tell people that you were blinded by science.
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Most kids have a stuffed animal or blankie. My niece has one of those plastic owls u put outside to scare away birds
Hear me out:
Brunch where pajama attire is required.
The reason I can’t bake is the excessive effort to take out and put back all the pots and pans stored inside the oven
please someone make a recipe page that’s literally just ingredients and instructions. if i have to scroll through one more essay about someone’s culinary awakening i am going to lose my mind
[watching TV]
“Buy her the perfect diamond earrings for the holidays…”
Wife: Those are perf-
Me: *changes channel*
put ‘er there pardner!
[the year 2057]
iPhone 49: *reaches for some of my fries*
Me: No. if you wanted fries you should have ordered some
I bought a Mr. Microphone at a garage sale. Now I’m driving around yelling at bad drivers.
Best 25¢ I’ve ever spent.
I’ve yet to find a romantic comedy that speaks to me. Maybe if they set it in an institution or an Arby’s restroom.
Me: that was easy, what was my time? 3 minutes?
Escape room employee: ma’am we’re gonna need you to replace this door
What a cute baby, what’s her name?
“Ethel”
She’s gonna make a great grandmother
Sorry I said “What is it?” when you showed me your baby.
I will buy anything that is endorsed by a celebrity from the 70’s/80s. That’s why I have a reverse mortgage even though I live in an apartment.
My mom making me come say hi to somebody I “knew” as a baby
Screaming into a pillow is therapeutic but it also gets you kicked out of Target.
DATE: Tell me about yourself
ME: I own 7 pens!
D: I meant, like, something personal
M:*Sadly* I lie about how many pens I own to impress ppl
That moment when u get shampoo in your eye
And start wondering what you will name your guide dog.
The law of children dictates that for every water bottle brought into your car, 37 more water bottles appear on the floor of your car.
If you walk up to me with a plate of food and say “Matt?”
My name will always be Matt.
Every reddit relationship post is like “My husband dropped a big piano on my head and when I emerged from the rubble my teeth had been replaced by the keys. Am I in the wrong?”
Teacher: welcome to health class
Me: my friend said you can get a girl pregnant by kissing her?
Teacher: sir please just mop the floor
Just saw a guy wearing “Eclipse 2024 Volunteer” t shirt. Holy shit dude. That was you up there ?
Always leave your door unlocked when you shower in case your kids have an emergency. Like when they have to show you how big their aluminum foil ball is.
“Just ask him, Harry.”
“I don’t think-“
“Just ask him.”
“Excuse me, sir? I’m trying to find the Holiday Inn Express.”
Some are mad Trump won.
Others are mad that the anti-Trumps are mad.
I’m mad that you open up a new bag of chips and it’s only 1/3 full.
I only do yoga so I can hold my arms up long enough to get my hair in a ponytail.
peter parker: i’m broke i need a job
mary jane: well you invented web shooters, spider-tracers, web wings…
peter: yes! that’s it
mary jane: ya just patent your inventio-
peter: i’lll take pictures of myself and sell them to a newspaper
Other parents don’t want to be friends with us once they find out our child folds his own laundry and doesn’t need braces.
[alternate universe]
teacher: and that’s how you do your taxes
student: thank you. what a useful skill i have learned here today