Can Happiness buy money?
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There are only a few more shopping days left until your loved ones find out how little you understand them.
Seriously considering commissioning a family portrait photo and getting the photographer to photoshop all our faces slightly too small. Enough to be disconcerting, but not enough for guests to feel comfortable mentioning it.
shaggy: look out, it’s a g-g-g-ghost!
fred: there’s no such thing as ghosts
scrappy doo who is a literal talking dog: yea shaggy u stupid human idiot
It was easier to pick a career when the only choices were farming and witchcraft
It’s cute that kids think they’re safer with the light on, when actually it makes you more vulnerable and easier to spot.
How do I like my eggs? Umm in a cake.
a tiny insect just tried to fly into my eye then immediately died on the bathroom sink, guys I think it saw my brain
My husband would NEVER cheat on me.
He’s too lazy
That awkward moment when you realize your wife’s funeral is turning into a sausage-fest.
netflix subtitles be like (speaking foreign language) bro translate it
Me: I want to be sculpted like a Greek god
Plastic surgeon: We can help with-
Me: *opens mouth* Fill me with cement
please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke
-hearing my dog about to puke
WIFE: It’s always best to overdress on your 1st day of work
ME: Ok
[later]
ME: You wanted to see me?
BOSS: It’s about your suit of armor
So that old avocado in the fruit bowl was actually a rolled up green sock & now I’m freaking out because I’ve already served the guacamole.
He’s cranky this morning
He died doing what he loved, forgetting to put my potato wedges in the bag.
I’m happy my date didn’t snoop in my medicine cabinet but sad I spent an hour setting up 40 ping pong balls in there for nothing
Cleaned bathroom sink half hour ago. Then trimmed mustache over sink. Oh … That’s what all those women I lived with were complaining about.
Me: *trying to swallow a pill for 30 minutes* I’ve done it. Nope. It’s still in my mouth.
Morpheus: You probably aren’t the One.
Me: you tellin me a shrimp fried this rice lol
Benihana Chef: ha ha
Shrimp Under Chef’s Hat: he knows too much
A little sign under the doorbell that says, “think twice, adventurer.”
ME: I’m just like you I put my pants on one leg at a time
HR: but what if you did it before getting to the office
10 years ago parents were like “be careful what you put on the web” and we were all “lol. old people.” now none of us can ever be President.
Did I save this free pizza promo code or did it just save me?
Things I’ve Learned From Horror Movies:
•Don’t have sex, you’ll die.
•Don’t leave the group, you’ll die.
•Don’t be black, you’ll die first.
Me: I slept through the second half of that movie
Kids: And the first half
Me: Yes
Ok. Seriously, stop feeding the gulls.
If your phone rings during a movie, answer it “Yes, Mr. President. Right away, sir!” And then run head first through the screen.
I wanna jam you like a set of salad tongs in a kitchen drawer.