“You’re running into trouble requesting something because there’s a late book on your account.”
“See, this is why I don’t like using the library. It takes me time to read things! How long have I had it out?”
“I mean, about seventy-two months. But hey I’m all for pacing yourself.”
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[4 hours later]
Tyler Durden: And the 351st rule of Fight Club is you absolutely CANNOT substitute baking powder with baking soda when making pancakes
Once I found there was no popcorn in popcorn chicken there was no reason to try pot roast.
*stares into the abyss*
*abyss pretends it’s doing something on its phone*
Netflix: Because you watched that one movie that had Christmas lights in the background of a scene, here are 37 Netflix original holiday movies you might enjoy…
If the whole world smoked a joint at the same time, There would be world peace for at least two hours. Followed by a global food shortage..
Moms have an amazing superpower: we can speak at full volume without anyone hearing us.
*My wife being frustrated by my kids*
Wife: Can you just give me 2 seconds to myself?
8YO: 1, 2. Now can I have snack?
If the sun is blacking out at 1pm on a Monday than so am I
Me: I’m gonna put a note in our son’s lunchbox
Wife: Aw that’s nice
[Later]
Son *reading* sorry I ate your sandwich
saving face 👀
Some people won’t try bacon for religious reasons. I won’t try religion for bacon reasons.
Upon finding I was going to the dentist to have a tooth pulled, I did what any 6 year old would do and armed myself with rocks that I threw at him as soon as he came in
I ended up getting a spanking AND my tooth pulled but no way was I going down without a fight.
hardest part of beekeeping is thinking of all the names
I’m trying to get things done. However I keep finding other things that needs to be done first in order to complete the work I want to finish.
It’s like being in a video game. I want to fight the main boss but I gotta do all this side quest shit to unlock him.
Can’t. I’m busy taking this buzzfeed quiz to find out what kind of potato I am.
2/22/22 was created by Big 2 to sell more 2s.
[opening a letter]
me: oh my god
wife: what is it?
me: it just says “oh my god”
I slipped on a toy car and ended up sprawled on the floor, so my toddler used me as a step stool to get onto the couch if you’re wondering what parenthood is like
With a dog, you have a glimpse into parenting. With a cat, you have a glimpse into marriage.
Netflix: are you still watching?
Me: yes
Netflix: lmao it’s cancelled
Cops are raiding Justin Bieber’s house looking for eggs. Seriously. Eggs. I can’t make this shit up. This is why other countries hate us.
As a parent it’s my job to shout “Be careful!” at my children just after they’ve fallen over
I thought I was being clever, putting the litter box on wheels so I could slide it out from under the stairs, but I have inadvertently created a Mad Max-esque vehicle which my cat uses to roll around the house, dragging himself with his front paws, the entire time shitting.
Guys, please stop wearing Nasa shirts, I bet you can’t even name one of their songs
A female contestant is on Wheel of Fortune. “Give me a D” she says. “She wants the D” Pat Sajak says & then high fives the camera man.
Them: You’re a dumpster fire.
Me: Awww, you think I’m hot?
me: do you mind i can’t go with other people in the room
cellmate: buddy i don’t know what to tell you
How many times should you try starting your snowblower before you realize it’s not going to start? According to my neighbor it’s 458 times.
Either my daughter has pink glitter in her hair or head lice is way more fabulous than I remember.