HGTV has taught me you can do anything if you have the right tools. I’ve also learned that any handyman you hire will have those tools.
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Therapist: Did someone refer you to me?
“Yes, everyone.”
so, what you’re saying is, if i don’t eat an apple a day, i’ll meet a doctor?
… sounds better than tinder
Show yourself some self-love.
No. Not in public.
Guy in the dressing room next to mine: “I don’t want to get blood on these pants.” I want to reply, “Then stay out of my way on the catwalk”
FRIEND: What do you think?
ME: *passing joint* Hell yes!
Looks like the mayor is getting serious.
“Kids are disgusting”, I say as I blow my nose in a hanky that hasn’t been washed in 42 years.
Newborns cry because they’re being evicted
Pretending to fall asleep on the train so the conductor picks me up and carries me to bed
Have kids so you can regularly test the limits of your sanity by watching someone eat a starburst in 26 bites.
[ first day in funeral home ]
me: *gently placing hand on widow’s lap* this is your husband’s it fell off
*Leaving my kids and husband at home for the day*
Me: I’ll see you guys later. [waves]
Dirty laundry & dishes: [waves back]
me: do you sell ducks?
him: yes, but they’re going quick
me: ok i’ll take one*later*
duck: quick!
me: i see
I sent an email saying “I see you all in prison tomorrow” instead of “in person tomorrow” and I’m pretty sure that’s the worst typo a judge can send to counsel.
2012: sorry I did the Macarena at your Anna’s funeral
2014: *does a kickflip* yeah the doctor said it’s not curable
2016: what idiot called it the sun and not a space heater
2019: ok gang here’s a thread on marginal tax rates & how we can use proceeds to fund schools
If I had known I looked this sexy in glasses, I would’ve stopped being able to see a long time ago
Elephant Mum: Never forget where you came from.
Elephant Son: Mum, I’m an elephant; I’m hardly going to forget a thing like that.
Elephant Mum: It’s an expression.
Elephant Son: What is?
Remember that the most popular man in the village was its idiot.
Trying to convince a kid, no matter the age, that they’re tired, is like trying to tell a drunk they’re drunk. Denial & anger will follow.
My favorite thing about summer is opening your window for 30 seconds so an insect that hasn’t been identified by science yet can fly into your home.
Me at 12: I can’t wait to be an adult so I can buy whatever I want with my money.
Me at 36: If I wait until it goes on sale and use my coupon, I can buy scented trash bags.
I feel so stupid — I just today learned that Stephen King and Burger King are brothers.
Mike Trout turns 26 today. If he keeps up this pace, he’ll be 30 in four years
Thanks for always acting surprised by breakfast in bed like you slept right through the great pots and pans avalanche of 6:45 AM.
Happy Mother’s Day
Another wooden ball!!! Would it kill the makers of avocados to put a different toy inside?? I have like 12 already
My youngest once got ahold of the scissors and gave herself a haircut. It wasn’t bad. So now every 6 weeks we casually leave them out.
Cakes!
– the sequel to the cake I had earlier.
My son is 6’2” and he just said loudly from another room “god I can smell my feet from here and I’m standing up” so yes, I will be burning those shoes
[sequel to Thor Ragnarok]
ME: *buying tickets for me and 3 friends* Four for Thor 4 at 4:44, por favor
CINEMA GUY: *for the 6th time this week* Please stop doing this
box: meow
schrodinger: ignore that