Walking up to any crime scene & whispering within the crowd, “It’s started again, hasn’t it?” then leaving
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ME: Here she comes.
BRAIN: Great!
ME: Quick, what do I say?
BRAIN: Tell her she’s like a fine wine.
ME: Okay.“YOU’RE LIKE FINE WINE I’D LIKE TO PUT YOU IN A CONTAINER WITH A CORK IN YOUR MOUTH AND KEEP YOU ON A RACK IN MY CELLAR UNTIL I’M READY TO ENJOY YOU”
BRAIN: Excellent.
ME: {strips naked and stands on scales} Great! Looks like I’ve lost a few pounds.
STORE MANAGER: Sorry sir, but these scales are for fresh produce only.
Neighbor: hey just so you know I invited Dan to the dinner party!
Me: cannibal Dan or Dan who can’t spell?
*phone chimes*
[Text from Dan] I can’t wait to meat your friend tonight!Neighbor: yeah I’m not sure
[trying to buy pants]
Clerk: Sir you need pants to shop here.
I bought a formal gown simply because it had pockets.
My wife: Tell me your wildest fantasy.
Me: Clamping my dentist’s tongue with forceps and shining a bright light in his eyes while I ask him about his ski vacation.
Just saw a disheveled man in a bathrobe run out of an uber to an atm. Whose client is this?
As a kid, I had to be careful not to curse around adults. Now as an adult, I have to be careful not to curse around kids.
Writing without pants on is a simple pleasure.
Shame I can’t go back to Starbucks though.
Cats mostly follow you into the bathroom to judge your technique.
The collective noun for bison is herd, unless they are on tiptoes, in which case they are unherd.
Good: being told by your friends that you have a big heart
Bad: being told by your doctor that you have a big heart
I’m afraid of people who keep smiling all the time. I feel like they still have plenty of space left for more bodies in their basement.
Things I learned today:
1) Gel is not short for jelly
2) KY isn’t an acronym for “Krazy Yummy”
3) I’m not allowed to make my own lunch
If I can’t msg you after years of no contact asking if you want some human teeth just block me now.
i’m so vulnerable to nostalgia. the sun will go down and i’ll be like “wow…..remember when the sun was up……..i miss who i was then”
Please stop asking me what my tweets mean. I can’t read.
Teens think they have an all-purpose insult for uncool people over 30 with “OK boomer”, but little do they know uncool people over 30 are about to deploy our most devastating weapon against it: ruthlessly appropriating it until it’s cringingly uncool to say it in any circumstance
Hey, baby, you wanna come back to my place, and become a famous murder victim?
Me: Mirror, mirror, on the wall, who’s the …
Mirror: Comb your hair.
#gardening
Has anyone tried putting all the Wordle answers together to see if they spell out a warning
I never understood how the little drummer boy’s parents could just send him outside alone at night to play his drum until my daughter brought a recorder home from school.
Your Tinder date welcomes you into their bedroom. They excuse themselves and go to the bathroom, leaving you alone on their bed. What is your next move?
A. Lick their Himalayan salt lamp
B. Lick their Himalayan salt lamp
C. Lick their Himalayan salt lamp
D. All of the above
I gave my wife a tip how she could wash the dishes better.
On a side note, Dawn detergent is really starting to make my hands more soft.
If I didn’t have kids, I’d be questioning why I found acorns under a fake Christmas tree.
To the people who tell expectant parents to “stock up on sleep while you can,” please know that’s not how sleep works.
So one of team members text me to say he wasn’t well and couldn’t make it to work. I don’t think the first text was meant for me…
Friend: What a cute baby! Boy or girl?
Me: Guess
Friend: What’s its name?
Me: Spork
To all those telling me this account is a sin – Don’t worry about it, I plan on forgiving myself later