me *choking on a piece of popcorn*
cat: Finally
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My daughter just told me that she’s the boss of me, and when I tried to respectfully disagree she said “don’t you dare talk to your boss like that”
why do marvel movies need 3 hours to accomplish what the powerpuff girls did in 11 minutes
And in conclusion, may I say that black robe is very slimming on you, Your Honor. And I’ve never seen a bigger gavel.
dear law students: nothing in the civil rules prohibits yelling out latin phrases like harry potter spells.
Hearing deteriorates as we get older. So why with every new year does the sound of someone eating become louder & more annoying?
Just found out that the old guy at the gym who laughs at all my jokes doesn’t actually speak English.
If I really wanted to end my life I’d probably do it by wearing a Star Trek uniform to the Star Wars Force Awakens premier.
My dog and I are not cleaning up after you, you sick cannibals
Waiter: May I recommend the steak?
Dracula: You may not
“Son, you can practice the sex on holes in trees”
“DAD?!”
[next day]
“Where you going with that broom handle?”
“Checkin for squirrels”
Airbnbs today: wash the towels, iron the sheets, mop the floors, defrost the freezer, mow the lawn, clean the gutters, paint the trim, dust the floorboards, check on my mother-in-law, … And don’t forget to leave us a five star review.
No one makes more observations than a child sharing a stall with his mother inside a public restroom.
u guys do know that when u say “frig” we ALL know what you mean? At this point u might as well just say “frog pig” its not even that bad
Every time I’m around my mother in law, I wonder who is running hell in her absence.
HR: You can’t wear a bathrobe on Casual Friday.
Me: *Removes robe*
HR: PUT THAT BACK ON!
Me: Make up your mind.
When people say “To be honest…”, it means that up to that point they’ve been lying.
Me, to my cousin Chad: You might wanna sit down.
my dog when its nice out: *jumps in pond, rolls in dirt, eats goose poo*
when raining: MADAM how DARE u take me into these AWFUL conditions
If you’re bringing an acoustic guitar camping it will be used as firewood.
Nothing like sitting on a chair at your kid’s school to inspire you to never eat cookies again.
I’m pretty sure my little brother exists only because I got too old to be my mama’s remote control.
A skinny friend told me she’s never hungry and just ‘forgets to eat’, so I drove her out to the woods and left her for dead. Is that wrong?
crazy how anything you buy with a credit card you just get to have for free
*my skills with compliments
5yo: You are a beautiful princess!
Me: And you are a… child.
[kid, about to do something stupid]
ME: [sitting on couch] Anyone who gets hurt isn’t getting medical care until tomorrow.
Day 218 of making fun of CrossFit.
So Kylie breaks up with Travis, Travis drops HITR and a week later Kylie drops her hit single “Rhïyse eñ Shìńë” which ultimately kick-starts her music career? Smells like another Kris Jenner masterclass to me idk idk
I hope this email finds you. And when it finds you it will make you pay.
Being a parent is great because you get to start conversations like:
Hey buddy, don’t leave your tooth on the coffee table.
Not too drunk to do the project but too drunk to drive to Home Depot. So you see my dilemma.