SON: I need you to check under the bed for monsters.
ME: Listen, I appreciate your confidence in me, but if there’s a monster under there it’s going to kill us both.
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[jail]
INMATE: so what are ya in for?
BIG BAD WOLF: well I huffed and I puffed and then I got nabbed for possession
INMATE: goddam pigs
Every time my sexual partner changes positions or stops for a second I respond with “recalculating…”
TERMINATOR: I need your clothes, your boots, and your motorcycle
ME: *gliding past on heelys* Do you need anything from me?
I’ve worked at my job for 7 years & my boss still hasn’t noticed that I only give Magic 8-Ball responses to all of his questions.
I like it when squirrels pop their dumb heads up in the middle of the street like “did I lock the tree?”
Potatoes were such a good idea
I love giving a little kid the tongue, and then watching him run to his mother holding the severed tongue I just gave him.
There is no longer any distinction between Nicolas Cage’s movies and Nicolas Cage’s life.
A drinking game where you do a shot every time you are prompted to update Adobe
Recipes be like you’ll need an 1/8 tsp of this really hard to find item. Also, it’s gonna cost $125
when i met him, i should’ve recognized the red flags because he immediately wanted to move in with me. 11 months later he still has no job or money and i can’t do anything without him watching my every move.
like, i know he’s my son but he’s gotta get it together.
Do your friends know that you’re asking people on Twitter about their issues?
-Asking for a friend.
I sure do wish my gasts would stop getting flabbered
Ghostbusters commercial: who you gonna call?
Ghost haunting me: [looks at me nervously]
Me: lmao like you’re scarier than a phone call
“People want to drink a panic attack.” — inventor of 5 Hour Energy
Does the defense have any last words?
“Yes I do your honor…
THE FLOOR IS MADE OF LAVA”
[Judge & jury scramble to get on top of tables]
Getting invited to an ice cream social is conflicting because there’s the ice cream, but also the social
Dieting is when you eat foods that make you sad and leave feeling hungry still.
When did kale arrive? 2007? Must’ve come via spaceship. I had never heard of it in my life. And then suddenly, it was everywhere. It had hearty advocates; & it had many, many detractors. How does a thing, kale, go from not existing to being ubiquitous? Spaceships. Only answer.
“Wheres the goddamn pizzas?”
Me: Check the pizza tracker.
*bends down, touches ground*
“A pizza will walk here before the moon is full.”
If you like piña coladas,
Getting caught in the rain,
If you’re not into health food,
If you’re into champagne,
You’re probably an alcoholic
Did you know that nuns have to eat a banana with a knife and fork?
The dogs are drawn by their screams.
I have a solar eclipse every two minutes inside my living room ever since my toddler learned how to open & close the blinds.
Erm I’m gonna say no
Those American Pickers guys drove all over the country looking for antiques when they could have just bought stuff new and then waited.
i love driving becuase it combines my love of sitting with my love of being mad
[having sex]
HER: tell me your fantasies
ME: I wish I was a dragon
HER: no, I mean-
ME: but instead of fire I breathe jelly beans
Never bring a “you ordered the Elf from Amazon so you are legally bound to move it!” to a “why is it in the same spot for four days?!” fight
My kid just locked me out of the house in 95 degree weather, but sure, “it goes by so fast.”