Me: I made GORP for our hike
Her: peanut m&ms and miniature marshmallows
Me: yeah, in handy single servings
Her: they’re gallon ziplock bags
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interviewer: can you explain these gaps in your resume?
me: umm I believe those are from the space bar
A guest dropped by my dirty house on short notice today, so I put cleaning supplies out all over the place. They were just for show.
People will say astrology is bullshit until they read their star sign is ‘mind blowing in bed and a great kisser’ then its 100 percent facts!
Jeff: I’m from New Jersey
Geoff: I’m from New Georsey
Practice for parenthood by approaching a pack of rabid wolves and saying “Time to brush teeth! Who wants to go first?” Do that twice a day.
Parenting is a lot like a home improvement project. Right after the “This isn’t so bad” phase comes the “I should call someone who knows what they’re doing” phase.
my allegiance to alligators is based on a gut feeling. you see, the crocodile deliberately looks like he wants me dead, and as soon as possible. the alligator appears to give less of a shit, generally. so i’m like, sure, that’s something we can deal with. that’s a starting point
BANK TELLER: you’re an awful robber
ME: i’m not sure how to take that
BANK TELLER: exactly
setting a small grass fire next to my inflatable pool and then asking the firefighters to fill it up while they’re here
We can only blame SO much on trump. Some things are just Ryan Seacrest’s fault.
Gonna ask this security guard if I can please have security footage of the sick parallel parking job I just executed next to his building.
*Passive-aggressively skips through your selfies and only likes pics of your dog*
My client’s (soon to be ex) wife just flipped me off in the courthouse parking lot, so yeah, I’m obviously doing my job right.
If Satan isn’t real then why am I in a group text with my family
Remember when The Backstreet Boys told us to show them the meaning of being lonely and we were like ok
Your birth certificate is your very first participation trophy.
You kids may find it hard to believe but there was a time when a new Star Wars or Marvel movie didn’t feel like a homework assignment.
yall can name 10 kardashians but you can’t name 10 jesuses
When a client says “I know people who can charge less”. Smile & respond “I know clients who can pay more.
Life is fair, people are not.
Jimmy Fallon always looks like he’s waiting for you to open a gift he’s convinced you’ll absolutely love.
Me: how long do you boil something to disinfect it
Her: idk google it
Me: can I use your phone, mine’s disinfecting
Her: *googling DIY annulment*
If you’re going to the hospital for a covid-19 test make sure you bring with you a valid form of identification along with a printout of your IMDB page and/or your Basketball Reference stats
20s: insufficient funds
30s: insufficient fun
“I’d like to buy this house”
“Will you waive inspection?”
“Sure”
“And waive the assessment?”
“Fine”
“And pay in cash?”
“Ugh, ok”
“And promise you won’t ever live in it?”
“If that gives me the edge”
I just want someone who will treat me like a lady and hold the refrigerator door open for me.
I don’t know what’s happening here, but I am definitely going to check it out.
Dog: Why don’t you feed me more?
Me: Because I love you and I don’t want you to get fat.
Dog: … You must really hate yourself.
Carrying around a lot of guilt for some of the recommendations I made when I worked at blockbuster in 1997.
Historians: so we’re gonna name this war the 80 years war
Me: so that means it lasted 80 years right
Historians: you FOOL. you utter buffoon. You ignorant being