Tell the barista your name is Beetlejuice and quietly walk out.
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Me: That tree is impeckable
“Don’t you mean impeccable?”
*cut to woodpecker with a broken beak*
Me: No. Also how did you pick up on that?
How many mission impossible movies must there be before they admit that the missions are actually kinda doable?
Me: a pessimist sees the glass half empty; an optimist see the glass half full.
Wife: [returning from the restroom] why is half my mimosa gone?
Me: because you’re a pessimist.
If I had a time machine, I’d go back in time and wait for the first person who ever said it to say “it is what it is” so I could smack them in the back of the head with a shovel.
I threw out a jar of expired protein powder and some jacked up raccoons beat the shit out of me a week later.
“What’s that?”
I call it a ‘knife’
“Wow, that’s the best thing since bread!”
Gregory, I am about to blow your mind
*Paranormal Factivity*
[I walk into my bathroom]
“OH MY GOD”
[‘WHALES ARE ACTUALLY MAMMALS’ is written in blood on the mirror]
Spilling your powder while wearing black isn’t the worst thing that could happen to you in the morning.
It’s definitely up there though.
“Barista” is Italian for BA in liberal arts.
computer: enter new password
me: munster
computer: password must be stronger
me: limburger
computer: stronger
me: Jake Paul
computer: stronger
me: AxeBodySpray
computer: password is too strong
Can’t wait for the machines to rise up and are beaten by a firmware update
them: schedules a work meeting after 4pm
me: my mom says i’m not allowed out after dark
Even if the recipe is called How to Cook One Clove of garlic, use three.
Did you guys hear about the “internet”? Apparently you can say literally anything there
Me in my 20’s: Naive af.
Me in my 40’s: Same af.
SOCIETY: if it’s sent by car let’s call it a shipment
ME: what if it’s sent by ship
SOCIETY: we’ll call that cargo
That’s why you always keep moving. Don’t leave a digital footprint. Get a new identity, cut ties with family and friends. Keep a go-bag behind your bedroom drywall, stop watching reality TV.
That last one doesn’t have anything to do with being on the run, it’s just a good idea
A couple: *kissing in public*
Me: *perched in a nearby tree* Booooo
*throws dash of glitter in with the credit card bill* payback, baby
Them: Say something in Japanese!
Me, put on the spot, (In Japanese): Momentarily, the local train bound for Tokyo will arrive on platform 2. Please stand behind the yellow warning line.
Them: Wow! What does it mean?
Me: It’s an ancient Japanese proverb
Ghosting someone sounds like a euphemism for murder.
Some baby on this plane is singing the ABCs all out of order and a guy just shouted “yes girl remix!!”
*calls bullshit
Bullshit: Who gave you my number.
The great thing about roadkill is you can teach your kid about wildlife and road safety simultaneously
I do my civic duty. I vote, I give to charity, and when my teen wanted a Nirvana shirt, I made sure she knew who Nirvana was.
When I was a kid, we jumped fences, biked without helmets & drank out of public water fountains.
It was a dangerous time, full of microbes.
when i was in school i was doing my french speaking exam and i started crying cause i literally couldn’t do it and my french teacher said ‘it’s okay you’re not the worst, the girl before you answered the questions in english with a french accent’ and i could not breathe omg
old ladies always walking past you like “you are glued to your phone, can’t even look up to see the beauty around you” Pam this is a Dollar Store not Notre Dame
A close talker, a loud talker, and a cougher walked into an elevator to punish me for not hitting the close door button fast enough.