“Oh shit that sounded important,” I exclaim as I vacuum and don’t stop to investigate but keep on vacuuming.
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Disney’s Aladdin taught me that as long as you have a foundation of lies, a monkey, actual magic, and one of you is rich, a relationship can work.
I only do yoga so I can hold my arms up long enough to get my hair in a ponytail.
2024 is gonna be better i can feel it in my bones nope that’s the osteoporosis nvm 😭
Sex so bad the Oompa Loompas sang a song about it.
Just watched a video in which a young lady referred to some shoes from the 90s as “vintage” so you can go ahead and shovel the dirt over me now
Women seem to want security. At least that’s what they yell whenever I approach them.
I walked down a street where the houses were numbered 64K, 128K, 256K, 512K and 1MB. That was a trip down memory lane.
No Himalayan cow hoof for me please. I’m yak toes intolerant.
my only crime was caring too much. caring too much about fire
Love this joke:
Apparently one of the symptoms of COVID-19 is having no taste. Looking back on all my exes, I think I’ve been infected for years!
The block button is just the adult version of sticking your fingers in your ears and repeating “I can’t hear you” over and over
20s: I want to see the world!
40s: If I do all of my food shopping on Sunday I won’t have to go outside for a week.
[Trapped on a plane]
Me: Can’t put it off any longer, we must eat the other passengersWife: what no
Me: I’m growing weaker
Wife: We have been delayed for 45 minutes
How to Talk to Women Who Are Inside an MRI Tube
if somone acidentaly walks in while ur in the bathroom, do not react at all. this avoids embarasment & makes them wonder if they are a ghost
Make up for past mistakes by frequently repeating them in new and astonishing ways.
Being on vacation with kids is a great reminder why you should never be on vacation with kids.
Good news: It works the other way around.
I entered “internal bleeding” & “unconscious” in WebMD and it said I have a stuffy nose.
Phew.
[interrogation]
COP: So you play the tuba do ya?
“No, the violin”
COP: Treble maker eh?
My neighbours probably think I’m getting laid, but these are just the sounds I make whenever I take my socks off.
In the beginning God created the heaven and the earth. And God said, let there be light: and there was light. And God said let there be sunshine and moonlight and good times.
And then God blamed it on the boogie.
You pulled out in front of me.
Now you’re going slow.
I don’t like my car.
I will win this one.
My husband and I never take anything for granted. Which is why, after 30 years, I still consider him a flight risk.
guys in LA in their 30s are like “i love going camping, i love sleeping outside.” and it’s like, ok, why do you bother having your parents pay your rent then?
It’s always a good idea to make friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
A few hardest things to say:
“I Was Wrong” “I Need Help”
“Worcestershire Sauce”
“What’s your greatest strength?”
Shadow puppetry
“Seriously?”
[interviewer presses intercom button] “Pat, please bring a flashlight in here”
blade runner wouldn’t drive anything bc then he’d be blade driver y’all are so stupid.
My husband is out w/friends & I’m at home w/the kids. I’m going to sprinkle Legos under the covers on his side of the bed.
If dog hair were a commodity, I’d be tweeting this from my yacht.