[Inventor of the plow]
I’m gonna stab that field
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You don’t know fear until you hear your 8yo using the blender by himself downstairs
I truly don’t get the people that say the only thing they wish for their ex (s) is for them to be happy, even if it’s not with you
I’m over here secretly wishing mine would combust
Apparently trying to bribe a zookeeper to set up an animal Thunderdome situation will get you kicked out of the zoo.
he looks like the detective in a TV mystery series who’s been drinking a bit much since his wife died but always gets his man
ME: *hugging my therapy dog* i love you so much
THERAPY DOG: same time next week and i’ll make a note to continue our boundaries discussion
After watching the Thriller music video, my kids asked what Michael Jackson transforms into. I told them he becomes a werewolf & my 4yo said, “why is it called a werewolf when I saw it right there on the TV?”
[a magic show]
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this…
[1 hour later]
…him: no
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this your card?
him (a policeman): my god, how many credit cards did you steal?
my boss: your emails are full of spelling errors. You need to work on that
me: not today satin
When a kidnapper gives you* back because you’re too annoying to be around anymore, that’s called getting ridnapped
*me
My daughter just asked me how to spell bourbon so she’s either asking Santa to hook up her old man or writing a letter to child services.
My wife put the screws leftover from the dishwasher repair in a frame and hung it on the wall.
It’s not funny.
[job interview]
Boss: What qualifies you to be a ninja?
Ninja: I just cut your head off.
Boss: That’s pr–*thump*
cats are the best because you can pet one while you’re talking to someone and look totally evil
Saw my Elf on the Shelf walking out of the D.A.’s office and now I have to lawyer up.
9: Where’s mom?
Me: Out the back
9: Australia?
M: Out THE back, not the Outback!
9: What’s she doing?
M: Playing with her didgeridoo, I think
my proudest moment has to be when I snuck into a frat party and didn’t kno any of the brothers but I knew they loved having foreign exchange kids at their events so I faked a british accent and said I was from southham(doesn’t exist) then ended up leavin with 2 handles of bacardi
*receiving flowers
I don’t know why people act so surprised when I fold them and put them in my purse.
Felt great to be hit on by a kid in his 20’s on my bday until my sister told me I could be his mother.
Me: they’re called in-laws because the law still applies if you do something to them right
Guy on subway: what
Me: what
You know your kid is Canadian when she’s watching football and asks why no one is skating
why have kids when i already have a voice in my head constantly talking me into buying things i can’t afford
Dear North Carolina, if you let guys marry each other, you’ll have more available women in your family to date!
me: aw i look so cute
my camera: are you in the right headspace to receive information that could possibly hurt you?
My wife reads two books a week and I just told my son that an idiom is a group of idiots.
Judge: The jury finds the defendant guilty.
Me: Nooooooooo.
Judge: Again, you’re the plaintiff.
Me: Haha. Oh yeah.
I’m just a girl, yodeling at the top of my lungs, until someone agrees to give me this latte for free.
Kid bunny: why do humans think we lay eggs?
Dad bunny: i think it’s time we have “The Talk.”
Kid bunny: ok
Dad bunny: *leaning in to whisper* humans are idiots
[baby taking first step]
ME: OMG! He’s doing it!
BABY: My name is Steve and I’m an alcoholic
me: a carrot is a crop
friend: yes
me: so *technically* Carrot Top is a crop top
former friend: i suppose