Called Comcast to see about dropping my service and long story short, If anyone wants to watch Showtime, call me on one of my 36 landlines.
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marvel comics have peaked
alien: we have come to destroy all humanity
me: hell yeah
alien: what? I said we have co-
me: hurry up
The true mark of maturity is when somebody hurts you, and you try to understand them in order to best tailor a revenge plot that suits them.
Putting my Christmas decorations on the house across the street so I can, you know, see them.
My 7 yr. old thought it would be really funny to hold up a sign in the back window of the car that said “HELP ME!”. It was not.
If you ask him what he admires most about a woman and he says brains, you’ve got yourself a zombie.
My daughter wrote “Daddy is the best” in the snow then smashed it when I made her come inside. She’ll make some lucky guy miserable one day.
If someone sees you accidentally bite into plastic fruit, commit. don’t show weakness. eat all of it
Me: wanna play would you rather?
Her: sure
Me: ok would you rather have a cat or a giraffe named Genevieve who can help out around the house
[gutter rattles in the backyard]
Her: *narrows eyes*
I sleep better naked, why cant the flight attendant understand that?
*Superman saves the city by throwing a nuke into the ocean*
Crowd: Yay!!!
Aquman: Dude…
No wine. No peace.
Know wine. Know peace.
My snake charmer friend is getting married to a funeral driver. I think I’m just going to play it safe and buy them a set of hiss and hearse towels.
Ocean’s Eleven? Ummmm I’m pretty sure it’s a little older than that. Who is this idiot?
Environmentalism is fine but what if global warming is wrong? Then we made our air cleaner for nothing
“Is the library open today?”
“Yes.”
“You don’t close for Columbus Day?”
“We do not.”
“I think it would be appropriate to do something to honor Christopher Columbus.”
“You could announce that you’re going to come to the library but then accidentally go somewhere else instead.”
therapist: describe this picture
me: that’s my father yelling at me
therapist: and this one
me: you having sex with my wife
therapist: and this one
me: aren’t these normally ink blots
I passed out in an alley last night and woke up being initiated into a raccoon street gang.
“Well, you only live once.”
– Guy, convincing himself to skydive“Well, you only live once.”
– Me, convincing myself not to skydive
m’lady
A guy told me I’m bad at flirting and I got so mad I took back all the dead birds I nailed to his door.
Bigfoot is real… or rather he was real and quite delicious.
I tried to pause the baby monitor when my baby woke up early from a nap instead of the Netflix show I was watching. It didn’t work.
5 years ago my dad texted me “i dreamed up the title of a poem last night” and i said “what was the title” and he said “Thoughts Upon Receiving Notice The Frogs Had Cast Off Their Green Skins and Revealed Their True Glorious Selves” and i have thought of that every day since.
I’m at my sexiest when I try to run in flip flops in the rain.
Like most parents, I live in fear of the day I have to explain PRETTY WOMAN to my daughter.
getting my head stuck in the armhole of a mensa shirt
Of all the essential oils WD40 is the essentialist.
[first day as a midwife]
ME: Keep pushing! I can see the head!
NURSE: You’re at the wrong end.
Parents: Don’t put glass near your eyes.
Inventor of eyeglasses: Okay, I tried it and I’m sorry, but you’re not gonna believe this…