Why the phone ring longer when u ignoring the call
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the fire alarm is to warn the fire that the fire department is coming
*crawls into windowless creeper van*
One kidnapping, please.
[doctors exam]
“I’m feeling a lump here. Here’s another. You have several lumps.”
-uh oh, what does that mean doc?
“it means you’re fat”
My son got his license and I’m terrified, but totally ok if he wants to drive to McDonald’s and get me a McFlurry.
Hey morons, when in doubt, just spell it “theiyr’re.”
okay, i admit it. you’re wrong.
GUY ABOUT TO MURDER ME: What are you doing
ME: I’m naming you godfather to my kids. Now you get them if anything happens to me
GUY: DAMMIT
Yes!
Great!
Bravo!
Hurrah!
Yippee!
Cheers!
Hooray!
Rah Rah!
Woo Hoo!
Whoopee!
Awesome!– Excerpt from “Fifty Shades of Yay!”
I can’t believe I gave up my best sleeping years to raise children.
No toilet paper. My training kicks in. I barrel roll under the stall & onto the lap of the person in the next stall. I did not plan for this
Nothing takes longer than the Amazon truck, that is 4 stops away
Fellow Black Friday shopper: I’m so excited! What are you trying to buy?
Me: oh I can’t afford anything, I’m hoping to be trampled to death
Americans should be asking Santa for better presidential candidates and nothing else.
Husband: How did the toaster break?
Me: I have no idea. I only dropped it once.
Today, my 2 year-old had a wellness checkup and was angry when we were late.
So, I had them run all the tests on him because there is something obviously not right with a kid wanting to go to the doctor.
Fun Fact: the average group of 4 yr olds can take up to 7 years to break open a piñata.
heck is a place for people who don’t believe in gosh. danged for eternity.
Back in college, I knew sisters named Summer and Autumn. Instead of saying hello to them, I would say “seasons greetings!”
They didn’t like me very much.
I would like a refund on this lottery ticket. All of the numbers were wrong.
I never judge a book by its cover.
People, though, I can tell are evil by their stupid faces.
Teacher: *carrying basket full of massive fruit* good morning, class. Today we will be working in pears
1st toddler: Here is a book you can look at.
2nd toddler: Here is a toy you can play with.
3rd toddler: Here is something you can break.
I’m not saying Goldilocks was a piece of shit, but she broke into someone’s house and just started eating their breakfast.
The news: Kidnapping, war, starvation, mass murder.
Me: There’s nothing worse than having a hangnail.
“Your keys are over THERE.”
– Wow. You have eagle eyes!
“Yup. My vision is 20/20.”
– No. I mean they’re small, beady & kinda close together.
scientist: the production of cereals l is destroying the seas. Soon there will be no seas left
aptain runch: why do I always get blamed?
sientist: ause it’s your fault
As 2021 closes, I am reminded of a saying.
Time flies like an arrow…
But fruit flies like a banana.
Another wooden ball!!! Would it kill the makers of avocados to put a different toy inside?? I have like 12 already
Even if I were taking a dump on the moon someone would walk in and sit down in the stall next to me.
No one:
Me: Is my body still under warranty?