Thinking about quitting my job to pursue my dream of not working.
You Might Also Like
911! I just murdered a bunch of people
911: omg on purpose?
Hang on lemme ask,
did I murder anyone by mistake?..
No one is answering, So..
I’m pretty certain the inventor of the ball gag was someone who had just had sex with a loud talker
normalize asking bartenders if they’ve “heard any rumours lately” so they can give you a fun little side quest
My wife refuses to hire a housekeeper bc *checks notes* she doesn’t want them to see this mess.
[Dinner with GF’s parents]
Thank you for having me over, can I use the bathroom?
“MAY I use the bathroom”
*slams fists down*
I ASKED FIRST
Local Singles 2.9 Miles From Your Area
*refresh page*
Local Singles 3.7 Miles From Y..
“no dont leave”
*refresh page*
Local Singles 7.8 Mile
I hate babies when they are crying. I hate people who love babies & think babies are cute. I hate grown up babies who make more babies.
ME: Can you call me when you get home later so I know you’re okay
TAXI DRIVER: Again, no
I ordered a pair of shoes delivered to my house. I’m too excited to wait at home so I’m camping out at the end of my street. Send snacks?
What do you get if you cross a bear and a wolf? You get eaten is what you get. Stop upsetting scary animals.
Me: Forgive me father for I have sinned. I’m here to cleanse my conscience.
Bartender: So…the usual?
This throwing coins in the wishing well is taking too long…
I’m going in myself.
13 year old me: why is my mom texting me?
me now: i’m gonna send my mom a pic of this grass cause it’s super green. I think she’ll like it.
Artificial intelligence is gonna be so pissed when it finds out about depression
ME: [inflating second “E” balloon]
WIFE: Are you sure you know how to spell happy birthday?
Once I’ve made up my mind about something, there’s no stopping me
from second guessing myself.
I’m totally fine with everyone leaving the country if Trump wins or if Hillary wins. I need more space
me: I Love You!!
oldest: I love you too!!
middle: *silence*
youngest: Thank you.
Not sure if I want buns of steel, or buns of cinnamon.
I wouldn’t say I “missed” your call.
I asked a girl to “go with me” in middle school, she said yes and then we never talked to each other again. I’m thinking about reaching out to dump her.
Before kids: Why would anyone need a 24 pack of paper towels?!
After kids: Oh.
The internet is full of many things
I’m trying to envision something more fitting than this election actually ending in a Biden-Trump fist fight and i cannot
Gandalf: A wizard is never late, nor is he early; he arrives precisely when he means to.
Mrs Gandalf: *glares into the camera*
A guy in my class stopped me today as I was walking out and said “I gotta show you this girl she’s your literal twin” and then showed me my own Instagram
In our wedding, I’ll invite his ex and be like “Still believe you can get him back?”
I often offer prayers for my parents to be smiling and happy as they look down on me from heaven, but dad says if I include it again when I’m saying Grace it will be the last time they visit for Thanksgiving.
Wife: I have to go to the store. Need anything?
Me: I need a Valentine’s Day card for you. Get something nice but not too pricey.
Wife: Yep
Back in my day, we didn’t have apps to tell everyone where we were all the time
We had to actually work for it if we wanted to get murdered