It’s not about retweets or followers, it’s about alienating your children so they learn to be independent and responsible
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*cop pulls me over*
“blow into this please sir”
“whyy dont you blow on THIS officer!?”
*i hand him a flute & he plays it beautifully*
[during sex]
Him: punish me baby
Me: OK *hides the TV remote*
Him: that’s not what i m—
Me: *puts on a playlist of his favorite band but it’s all their new stuff*
Him: omg please, stop
People that use abbreviations like ppl, wyd, hmu, and idk – what do you do with all that time you saved?
“Well, first I was afraid… Then I was petrified…”
– Dinosaur explaining how he didn’t survive
[Date]
ME: I own a hawk..watch. CLARENCE TO ME
[across town hawk at dinner w/ family]
WIFE:Just dont answer it
HAWK:*sighs* We need this job
Please no more tweets from critics that are like “Wow, just watched an embargoed TV show. But I can’t tell you which show or whether the wow is good or bad.” What are we meant to do with these tweets. This is what texting your colleagues is for
My 4yo: *tiptoeing down the hallway 3 minutes after I tucked him in like he does every night.*
Me: *shouting from couch,* Go to bed!
4yo: *peeking head around the corner, surprised,* How did you know it was me?
Scooby and the Gang *continually shocked when a regular dude turns out to be a monster*
Me: same
Who called them ‘horses’ and not ‘neigh-sayers?’
Secure web server:
> Email/password please.
Insecure web server:
> I just don’t know if I’m good enough…am I?
Why don’t we just stick an “a” in there and finally start calling it what it is…. “Moanday”
FBI: you are so busted!
Me: omg thanks 🤭
Man: You’re killing me
Comedian: [strangling man with cloth] this is great material
every college guy’s fridge
Once a marine, always a marine. Even if you’re now working at Subway. You’re a submarine.
Him: *Head in hands*
Her: What’s happened?
Him: Well- I…I… I found this head
Jesus [on the cross]: I hope you guys make some cool necklaces about this
Justin Timberlake postponing his Buffalo show Sat. & then going on Fallon is like that time I called in sick & tweeted a selfie on a boat.
[first day as a pharmacist]
Customer: do you have any cold medicine?
Me: *looks around* I think they’re all room temperature
“Look we LOVE the script for ‘Murder Bees’, just change the name to ‘My Girl’ and you’ve got yourself a movie!!”
I have an extreme shellfish allergy so I always keep a single fried shrimp in my wallet in case I need to use it as a cyanide pill
beauty:
beast:
beauty: *sips tea*
beast: *sips tea*
beauty:
beast:
beauty: was this inside mrs. potts—
beast: you know I’ve been too scared to ask
I moved to LA with nothing but the shirt on my back. No pants & I couldn’t figure out how to get the shirt on my front. Soon I was jailed
I miss the days when my 2yo didn’t have opinions and I could dress him in whatever I wanted.
Doc: have you been displaying any symptoms of vampirism?
Me: I’ve been..
Doc: …
Me: …
Doc: …
Me: …
Doc: …
Me: Coffin.
Doc: get out
been a while since romaine lettuce has tried to kill us.
Dear fork,
I just wanted to inform you that you have a son. His name is Spork.
Love always,
Spoon PS: he has your hair.
6 yo son: Who would win a fight between a hippo and a lion?
Me: I dunno, maybe the hippo because he’s big and can stomp?
6: Wrong, the lion has a knife.
Nurse: What is your pain level?
Me: 5
Nurse: What level is acceptable to you?
Me: Uhh 0, you psycho