If you hit people hard enough with a tennis racket they turn into waffles.
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I googled “how freaking long can it possibly take to play 18 holes of golf?” if you wanted to know how much trouble my husband is in tonight.
#Itssocoldthat..A streaker froze in mid-streak! The town council just stuck a plaque on him and pretended he was a Greek statue until spring
I used to make picture meals for my daughter until she got bored and asked me to stop.
Walk into the club like whatup OWW
Walk into the mace like what DAMN
Walk into the sword like wha *dies*
*flunks gladiator school*
87.5% of marriage is just marriag.
“Cu Later!” – a guy who wants some Copper, but not right now.
I lost my wife’s audiobook… and now I’ll never hear the end of it!
Don’t put off until tomorrow what you can drink today.
chickens lay eggs every day right? so is that why we eat eggs? so chickens don’t take over the world?
My husband doesn’t worry about me cheating because he knows I hate everyone.
Quick, while the British people are sleeping:
Raise your hand if you make tea by microwaving hot water
… and be generous with the lollipops
– me holding up a bank
GIRL: Dad, I want you to meet my boyfriend
DAD: Your bf is a bald eagle?
BALD EAGLE: *adjusting toupee* I’m just a regular eagle actually
Hit my coworker with “you’re a lucky man” after I saw a picture of his wife just to let him know that I want to sleep with her
[CSI at Starbucks]
“Ma’am you’ve been robbed. Suspect is at large.”
Barista: At what?
“At large”
At what?
“At venti?”
OMG HOW AWFUL!!!
There is absolutely nothing to stop your dentist from putting small tracking devices in your mouth. How would you know. You wouldn’t
*Toddler walks up, kisses my knee, turns away*
“Aw! Aren’t you sweet?”
*Toddler kisses refrigerator, cabinet door and dishwasher*
“Oh.”
UPS guy just acted like he’d never seen anyone answer the door in a super hero cape & a straw farmer hat.
ME: Why do they call it a John Doe and not a Who-man?
CORONER: Are you here to identify the body?
ME: I am not.
On more than one occasion I’ve canceled plans because I was too full of calzone.
[family meeting]
Wife: Ok, so one of you have been loading the dishwasher wrong
Me: Shouldn’t we wait for the kids to join us?
Wife: Nah, we can start
Me: What do you want to be, when you grow up?
6YO *looking me in the eye*: A rockstar artist and God
Life can change in an instant. Hug the people you love, and appreciate what you have, before it’s gone.
Everyone thinks their kids are normal until you’re leaving instructions for a sitter and you’re like, “do not open the applesauce pouch all the way- open it halfway, hand it to him, and back away slowly. Also he has to sleep with 3 pacifiers and Lightning McQueen.”
If you ever feel silly for being on Twitter just remember there are people on national television asking “ghosts” questions.
Me: Bed time
Hotel room: Good luck turning the lights off
Me: Easy. This one
Hotel: No. Bed light
Me: This one?
Hotel: Desk light
Me: This one?
Hotel: LOL You just turned on the curtain lights
Me: WTF? And that light in the wardrobe?
Hotel: 2400lux stadium lighting
Alarm: wake up
“I found my charger!!”
– a love story
[inventing oatmeal]
make sure it never comes out of the bowl once it dries
Mom: Help! Is anyone here a doctor?
Vet: I treat horses but maybe i can help
M: My son broke his leg!
V: Ok hang on. My rifle’s in the truck