i never understood why we had to blow on the nintendo cartridge before eating it
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no no i’m not stressed i just constantly grind my teeth and clench my jaw for fun.
Engineer: quick open up the coal gate, we need to vent the burner!
Me: *opens toothpaste* how is this supposed to help?
Engineer: The door on the coal burner you stupid fu-
[train explodes]
911, what’s your emergency?
Me (whispering): I’m holding a bagel in my right hand
Are you left handed?
No but I couldn’t use my right thumbprint to unlock my iPhone so I used the emergency button
Okay but why are you whispering?
I don’t want the killer to know I have a bagel
COP: Describe the robber to our sketch artist
ME: He had one eye higher than the other and his lips on his forehead
PICASSO: I got this
Date: what do iguanas eat?
Me: no idea, why?
Date: you’ve got 5 of them
Me: 2, those 3 are dead. I told you, I’ve no idea what they eat
*a caveman walking along a trail sees another set of footprints. he stops & shakes his head*
the traffic has gotten so bad here.
*lady shares a wallet photo of her son*
*i pull out a 20-part accordion wallet photo set of my dogs*
Not my circus. Not my monkeys. But I’m 99% positive I know those clowns.
Microsoft threatens to resurrect Clippy as an Office emoji
Emotional support bacon is a thing right? Because I’m on pound number 2
6: why do we bury dead people and animals but not plants?
Me: um…
6: when plants die can they be ghosts?
Me: I hope not. Otherwise our house is very haunted.
You know your cooking sucks when you toss your leftovers down the garbage disposal and it throws them up again.
Life hack: shave your head so you can sleep at your desk without messing up your hair.
cleaned my whole house today and it turns out i’m disgusting.
Annual shout out to my mom, who said she wanted a small filing cabinet for mother’s day when working on her dissertation. My dad got her a microwave. For two weeks she left several manila folders in it and wouldn’t let anyone use it — until my dad procured a filing cabinet.
where the womens at?
Hey, I tried to parallel park into a spot and goosed it twice so I’m just gonna go home. Enjoy brunch though, I’ll catch you next week.
Inevitably, you will meet someone who looks like a sturgeon. Now that you know, it won’t take you by surprise.
People with grown children keep telling me that I’ll miss these days, but I promise you that I will never look back with longing on the time I accidentally woke my toddler up at 2am
If your wife says “what would you do without me?”
“Live happily ever after” is NOT the correct answer.Brrrr it’s cold in this doghouse 🙁
“I’m so over you.”
– A blanket.
Not much is worse than that feeling of going back to work after a lunch…or a vacation…or just going to work in general
Let’s name him something that will make children smile
“How about Santa?”
Ok but let’s add something fierce so they are afraid to defy him
So did you have a nice,relaxing holiday asked the all people without three kids
Why don’t we just number the days of the week, like:
Onesday
Twosday
Threesday
Foursday
Fivesday
Sixday
Sevensday
[my first day as a bank teller]
guy comes up to window: i’m here to make a withdrawal
me: i’ll need to see some ID sir
guy [pulls out gun]: here’s my ID
me: umm, sir, that’s not ID. that’s a gun [turning to coworker] is this guy an idiot?
guy: no, i’m saying, this is a robbery
me: no, sir. this is a bank [turning to coworker] is this dude for real?
I don’t use Tinder, I meet girls the old school way: never
I love movies from the 70s because they’re like “it’s okay to be sweaty for no reason” which is important to me
I’ve got nothing against kids, I just don’t understand why you’d want indoor kids.
An excerpt from my self help book, “How to Get Rich Quick”
Chapter 1: Write a self help book about how to get rich quick
The End