Bee hives are like nature’s free piñatas. Except when the candy comes out it chases you and causes anaphylactic shock.
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I don’t like towels so after a shower I just sit in a tub of rice
Sometimes I really want to throw paper at people. Brick shaped Paper. Made of brick.
Hubs left his Amazon account open on the laptop and I swear to God if I’m getting a lawnmower for Mother’s Day there will be bloodshed.
Is that a pineapple in your pocket, or are you just….Why do you have a pineapple in your pocket?
The human race won’t go extinct when our blood turns into high fructose corn syrup
Our demise will come when hummingbirds figure it out
I’m disappointed that the book “Who Moved My Cheese” was not a mad-cap cheese caper.
Did not finish.
been making coffee at home instead of getting starbucks for two months which according to economists should’ve made me a billionaire by now so what is happening
Ever have the shower curtain touch you unexpectedly and start karate chopping the air?? No, me either.
“but you said you were right around the corner.” Let me stop you right there. I never said what corner
some of you youths are gonna be real disappointed when u discover that turning 30 just means you still have all the same weird interests but can’t turn your head all the way to the left anymore
I couldn’t think of an excuse fast enough so anyways I’m having company over this weekend.
Interviewer: Why do you want to work in customer service?
Me: Well, I’m really good at apologizing for things that aren’t my fault
Autocorrect changed “panic attack” to “pancake attack” and now I’m hysterical AND hungry.
I’ll grant you this, missing our scheduled call because you “had to chase and catch your pet pig” is the best reason I’ve ever heard.
My neighbor is mowing his lawn.
There is snow on the ground.
[locks doors]
If you are dissolving someone in a vat it’s no longer an acid problem, it’s an acid solution.
Little Known Fact:
Bon Jovi has five brothers: Bon Joi, Bon Joii, Bon Joiii, Bon Joiv and Bon Jov
time travel is only valuable to me if it helps me find where I put my keys
Me *about to get hit by a bus*
OH SHIT I’M NOT THE MAIN CHARACTER
When a meteorologist gets angry they storm out
[GOD INVENTING MUSHROOMS]
GOD: most of them are fine
ANGEL: what about the ones that aren’t?
God: you get high or… you DIE
Angel: dude
GUY: Ugh this rice crispy treat is disgusting!
ME: There you go sweetie, it takes 23 oz of sawdust before people won’t eat them anymore.
DAUGHTER: This is going to be the best science fair ever!
I’ve accepted that I’ll never know how that M+ button on a calculator works.
Which is faster, hot or cold?
Hot, because you can catch a cold.
I came across 3 snakes while mowing the yard today, but those of you in North America already know that because you heard me scream
i accidentally told a customer their total was $17.76 instead of $17.67 i said “sorry.. just thinking about the declaration of independence i guess” and he did not laugh or smile
Thanks to a hangover, I was the douche wearing sunglasses inside the airport today.
Drove a wedge of suspicion today between the fast food employee at the first window and the one at the second.
oh the aliens aren’t speaking to us right now because idk they’re pissed that we flaked out on that pyramid project they started or whatever