Dr Suess isn’t that special. watch this:
I’m mad and sad and doing very bad
You Might Also Like
My kid fell off the bed and into the laundry basket head first. She’ll probably never forgive me for laughing so hard but I’m only human and that shits funny
okay, so you’re definitely the best at keeping your body completely still, what do you want, atrophy?
Dear Britain,
This Brexit vote is all wrong
If you want to leave the EU, dump some tea in the harbor and fight a war.
Sincerely,
America
i’m sorry but why are there new episodes of shark week? shouldn’t the sharks be on strike?
They say, every transformation makes you a new person.
But they don’t tell us where & how to dispose off the body
“Opps” is my favorite typo because it suggests the thrill of a secret counterinsurgency.
Who called it Thanksgiving and not the Nightmare before Christmas?
Great acting.. 😂
Friendly but loud reminder to NOT FEED STALE DUCKS TO BREAD k
mugger: I said, your money or your life
me: *takes his hand* and I knew which I’d give him
our kids: awww
[first date]
“What’s wrong?”
I don’t like the ambulance in this place
[sniggering] “You mean ambience”
[next table] NEE NAW NEE NAW WOOOOOO
Whenever people say “don’t judge me” I like to imagine them in the weird wigs British judges wear.
*whispers*
Judged you.
Listening in on 14yos on the train after school and one of them just said: “bro you didn’t even try fresh basil until you were like 12, you have no credibility in this conversation” and the rest of them started roaring laughing
I feel like HGTV is creating some false expectations for the attractiveness of the contractor you hire for home renovations.
Wife: It’s date night!
Me: So, a movie, and… You still have that school uniform?
W: Yes. *winks*
M: Maybe you can get a student discount.
My resume is really just a list of shit I hope I never have to do again.
Posting this on behalf of a friend
Based on how comforting I find compression, my 50th birthday will be held in a trash compactor
My son just complained about how far the guy in his video game has to walk.
We take our lazy seriously around here.
Okay back to it and remember, you can’t say anger without saying grrrr
to those of you shopping this week: please be polite and patient with shop assistants, it’s a stressful and busy time for them too 🙂
to those of you worshiping Satan this week: see you at the gathering in the woods, bring teeth 🙂
[gym]
me: please wipe that down when you’re done
guy at urinal: what
CANADIAN: im a canadian
DATE: cool i’ve never met a comedian befor
CANADIAN: [is too polite to corect them, dedicates entire life to comedy]
Oh, you’re a witch? Name three children you’ve eaten.
LAWYER: [whispers] i did the murder [loudly] read that back?
STENOGRAPHER: “I Did The Murder.”
JUDGE: omg the stenographer just confessed
I’m still thinking about some great eye contact I got last week. You know when your eyes lock and you both stop talking and just gaze?
Ugh.
Then he kept looking from my left eye to my right eye, back and forth like he was trying to enter my soul through my retinas.
Good stuff.
Me: *sees someone coming down hallway*
Them: Aimee! Hey!
Me: *turns and presses face against wall*
Them: Aimee?
Me: *closes eyes*
Me [from bedroom]: Mommmmm!
Mom: What? Why are you yelling
Me: Grandma’s trying to pinch my cheeks
Mom: Grandma’s dead hon
Me: That’s why I’m yelling
can we have one night where you don’t act like spiderman
“ok”
[hour later a bird/panther type thing steals wife’s purse]
“don’t look at me”
I don’t cheat on my diet by eating pizza, I cheat on my pizza by going on a diet.