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Sometimes, when he’s really pissed me off, I like to log into his Netflix account and rate every romantic teen drama five stars.
BeyoncĂ©: I cannot wait to slum it with some earth mortals at – wait what is it called again?
Jay-Z: Coachella.
Beyoncé: Coachella.
My dandruff is so bad, I leaned over the fish tank. They thought it was feeding time.
The only reason I watch political speeches is cause I’m hoping there’s gonna be a sniper.
Have you heard about these cats getting plastic surgery to look like kittens?
Sorry we’re late, my kid thought he couldn’t go to school with hiccups
I’m Asian. We literally have no wrinkles until we wake up one day with the jowls of a Saint Bernard.
It’s World Breastfeeding Week and, honestly, babies need to eat more often than that.
I asked my 5yo not to do something, and he just smiled maniacally and nodded his head until I gave up. I’m going to try this on my wife.
What my back needs
The opposite of isolate is yousoearly. Please don’t block me.
My circle of trust is a meatball
Things will get butter, keep churning
Me: *doing magic trick* Is THIS your card?
Guy: They’re all my cards, give me my wallet back.
I have CDO. It’s like OCD, but the letters are in alphabetical order. Like they should be.
“What do you think you’re doing?”
“You ate one half…”
“Yeah, so?”
“This is the otter half!”
[after sleeping in a slightly different position] I have gathered you all here to read my last will and testament…
rom-com idea: Gozilla +1. Godzilla gets invited to a wedding but struggles to convince anyone to go with him
My wife handed me a clean towel and asked me to “put it in its place.” So, I looked at it and said, “Don’t forget that you’re only a towel,” and I was reminded yet again of just how lucky this woman was to be married to me.
Me: You are not going to believe this…
Priest: Your confessions will always be belived, my child
Me: There is no toilet paper over here.
Your food is my food, but my food is also my food even though I won’t eat it
-toddlers
No one in my entire life has believed in me more than the waiter who just gave me a single napkin to use while eating my lunch
Sorry I said “it’s probably burning him” as your baby cried during his christening.
Quietly she fades away, drifting closer to nothingness.
Nothingness whispers, “I already have a girlfriend.”
Edward Scissorhands was so sad because he wanted to be class president but no one would run with him.
First date idea: we list fictional characters that we would both punch in the face
I do so love when I’m not on twit for a few hours and when I come back there’s something that everyone’s alluding to and I get to slowly piece together what happened like I’m reading the log on an abandoned ship
*while scrolling Facebook
I’m so glad Congress is going to make Facebook protect my data!
*clicks on “What Harry Potter character is your social security number?”
[god designing humans]
Angel: there was a mix-up at the factory. The intestines are way too long
God: *stuffing em all in there* I got this
I’m so sick of unexpected character deaths for shock value. This is a terrible pilates video.