Sorry, grandma. You stood up. You have to be Slim Shady now.
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[My Wedding]
Me: I do
Guests: Awww
Me: Or do I?
Guests: Ooooo
Ok this TV character is expecting an important phone call from the kidnapper and they haven’t gotten once single spam call the whole time.
Must be nice.
So supportive, you should change your name to Wonder Bra.
*6 holding a 5 hour energy*
“Look at this teeny juice! It didn’t taste good at first but I finished it!”
Go ahead, have kids.
My mom never got lost, she called it learning the area.
[Arriving at party]
Host: Why are you wearing only a nappy?
Me: I was told “infancy dress”.
Host: I said “in fancy dress,” you moron!
Them: “There’s certain things that should be left unsaid”
My brain: “VOLDEMORT”.
The Tower of Babel is my favourite story. Made God so mad that he forced everybody to learn French. Imagine being so angry you invent the phrase sacré bleu.
Oh, the Queen can move in any direction?
Let’s see her walk backward.
Now diagonally.
Cha-cha real smooth.
Don’t be ridiculous, I would never use capitalization as a form of passive aggressive behavior karen.
If I had to choose between watching Frozen 1 and Frozen 2, I’d probably choose whiskey.
“Hey Hillary what color do you think this dre– never mind” – Bill Clinton scrolling through Twitter last night
Remember that time you confused a life lesson for a soulmate.
My brother never donates blood because he hates the thought that his blood is having more fun in somebody else than it ever did in him.
HER: What’re you most afraid of?
ME: *thinking of how terrible it would be if my dog laid eggs that hatched into cats* Losing you, babe.
We only have one day set aside to celebrate women, but sharks get a whole week! Clearly, women need to start eating more people.
I think all dads are in a secret competition to see who can sneeze the loudest.
A bum gets on a bus and walks past a nun. The nun says “youre going to hell”. The bum yells “Damn, Im on the wrong bus” ! 😀
“Oh, I get it!”
– Me, when I didn’t get it.
Me: Sorry I’m late, I was trying to jump my wife’s car for like half an hour.
Boss: Need a new battery?
Me: No, I just think I need better shoes.
I love when kids say moo cow cause what other kinds of cows are there besides mooing ones?
[eating cured meats and mixed cheeses while jumping out of an airplane] lmao pacharcuterie
Sorry to text you so late but can your dog come over?
This is one for those who have seen certain US TV commercials. 😂
I have an admission that will shock some people. It’s not something I’m proud of and I hope I’ll be given a little grace, but I’ll understand if not.
Here goes….
My hips have lied. Like…a lot.
Sure I named my black cat Blackie and my grey cat Grey, but you need to be a little less obvious with babies. Isn’t that right, Mistake?
Movie Executive: We love the script but what are we gonna call it?
Writer: *monkey in disguise* Monkey
Exec: I dont think that works
Writer: Se-seven Monkeys
Exec: The number of monkeys isn’t really the prob-
Writer: TWELVE monkeys
Exec: Now.. hold on a second.
Just realized half way through my date that I still had lipstick on my forehead from my mom kissing me goodbye.
The guy who made my sandwiches told me Have Fun as he handed them to me. Not sure what he thinks I was gonna do wit them
I’m glad that when you shoot, you shoot to kill … because shooting to merely wound seems kinda mean.