Relationship status:
My neighbour/girlfriend was kidnapped but she’s ok now, I was caught.
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My shower curtain always knows when I need a hug.
Raising Twins
Twin 1: *looking at an old photo album* Is this me?
Me: I literally have no idea.
No, sweetie. You can’t see the moon with vernaculars.
“I’m taking condiments in a bold new direction” I whisper as I squeeze a tube of toothpaste on my hot dog. The dentists all cheer for me.
WIFE: wtf did u spend $13,000 on at walmart?
ME: [brushing my zebra] he just walked by the scanner and i couldn’t put him back
if u disregard the teeth, shark attacks are actually kinda cute
I bet dogs at parties get tired of being singled out by socially awkward humans.
A TV should have been called a watch and a watch should have been called a time machine. Fight me.
I am no longer impressed that Nicholas Cage managed to steal the Declaration of Independence.
Sometimes i spread newspaper out on the floor and then lay down on it and pretend i’m fish n’ chips
[looking through my closet]
Girlfriend: Omg, where did you get all of this amazing vintage clothing?
Me: 1991
[ambulance]
medic: sir do you need oxygen
me: no dying is fine
My kid’s favorite thing to dip in ketchup is her sleeve.
*on hold for over an hour
That guy playing the piano must be exhausted.
Watching someone cook is really sexy.
But I recommend you make sure they are unconscious before you put them in the pan.
Now’s a good time to change your facebook name to “Nobody,” so when you click like on ignorant statuses it says, “Nobody likes this.”
The Cheesecake Factory had a “Help Wanted” sign. I was really disappointed that it wasn’t to help eat the cheesecake. #FluffyChickProblems
My girlfriend asked if she killed someone would I help her dispose of the body and I said no and she said, “You wouldn’t lie to the cops to keep me out of prison??” And I had misunderstood the question because I’d be happy to lie to the cops I just didn’t want to carry stuff.
i’m no stephen hawking but i think
what happens is that they cancel
each other out
me: my dog won’t stop laughing at me
vet: this is a hyena
Him: Yah, I like my meat rare
Me: Rare? Like, unicorn you mean?
Him: ……
Me: Our mom’s are friends, you have to finish the date
If a car depreciates as soon as you drive it off the lot then shouldn’t the price go down when you return from a test drive?
I’m fairly certain that watching paint dry & waiting for a pot to boil take less time than anything a 3yo insists they will do without help.
Me: Is the natural state of the soul quiet or chaos?
Taco Bell cashier: Look buddy, it’s transient, shifting like water
In Canada, elevators only come with a ‘hold door open’ button and a ‘hold door open longer’ button
“When I was your age, I already owned a house”
No, I don’t like nature. I can’t respect anything that would so flippantly turn dinosaurs into birds.
Do you know beforehand your dog is a cadaver dog, or do your first several walks always happen to end with finding a body?
Are there people that are so into beating dead horses that we had to create an idiom to discourage them from doing so?