“President Clinton, can you respond to rumors of renewed infidelity?”
The only woman in my life is my darling *squints at notecard* Hitlery
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I think sometimes we as humans ask too much of spandex.
I make a lot of jokes about my husband and they’re all true, but sometimes I forget to mention how lucky he is with me as a wife.
Today I burned spinach.
This is the best one I’ve seen
“Taking a perfect selfie is just a matter of perfect lighting and applying the right filter”
*puts sheet over head*
*turns off light*
Sixteenth rule of fight club: membership dues received after the 5th of the month will incur a 10% processing fee
Now that I have a standing desk I’m adding manual labor to my resume.
mario: one-a margherita pizza with-a fresh mozzarella
wario: one-a wargherita pizza with-a fresh wozzarella
I was only mildly famous in the ’90s but vaccinate your kids
Exercise makes you look better naked. But so does whiskey, it’s your choice.
Detective: Where were you on the night-
Me: Twitter
Detective: Between the hour-
Me: Twitter
Detective: I wasn’t fini-
Me: Twitter
“Well, you only live once.”
– Guy, convincing himself to skydive“Well, you only live once.”
– Me, convincing myself not to skydive
A large account followed me to thank me for a trophy through DM, then immediately unfollowed me. It must be exhausting to be Twitter elite.
sometimes i wish a great-grandpa or old uncle had left me a pocket watch i could take out & wistfully rub during these “trying times”
If you watch Intervention backwards, it’s about a person partying hard after an awful family reunion.
Within every clean home is a room with a closed door containing a large pile of miscellaneous shit that someone just tossed in there.
It’s important to get out of the house every once in a while to get excited about going home.
i don’t think you all understand. if Taylor Swift didn’t have a private jet she’d be Taylor Slow
My last turkey joke was deleted due to fowl language.
#Thanksgiving #RubbishJokes #ThursdayMorning
BREAKING: Dressed as Cat, Jared Leto Pushes Fellow Attendees Off Table at Met Gala
Fact: it is impossible to hold a machete in a friendly manner.
Me: *eating chips in bed*
Husband: I thought you said no eating in the bed.
Me: We live in a different world now.
Husband: So, I can-
Me: *interrupts* No.
Nothing like accidentally setting fire to your hair at work to make you feel alive
[10 PM]
If I go to bed now, I’ll get a full 8 hours of sleep[3AM]
Siri what is a grape nut
I never read Clifford the Big Red Dog, the title gives too much away.
I took my family out to an authentic Vietnamese place. My wife and I had pho. The kids sewed Nikes for 14 hours and were beaten. Great pho.
What I’ve learned in life is that there is a time and a place to be funny, what I haven’t learned is to distinguish those times.
*stares at bottel of sleepin pills* when wil they wakE UP
Fox Mulder, age 6: *looks under pillow* MOM! IT DISAPPEARED!
Mom: the Tooth Fairy took it, dear
Fox: you mean… the tooth is out there?
😂😂