As much as I love making terrible science puns I understand why they need to be periodically tabled
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*peeks under bathroom stall*
How’s the wifi signal in there?
Judge: I need you to digitize all of my case resolutions and then make backups, on a remote server.
Law clerk: You want me to cloud your judgements?
J: You’re in contempt.
SCIENTIST: Let’s name this spider Long Legs, for its long legs
SCIENTIST 2: Hmm not kinky enough
Creature from outer space tries to elude financial officer who wants his money back.
– Alien Vs Creditor.
I don’t hate my job. I just really enjoy curling up in a ball and sobbing under a blanket in the backseat of my car during lunch.
My boss said when I’m at work, I should lay off the Doritos. I said “you’re the boss if you wanna fire Bob Dorito and his brother you do it”
I am, perchance
I didn’t even know this was an option. Considering it.
if you come out with us you can’t lie about making your own soup
“those days are behind me”[girl at bar 45 mins later] oh cool, what kind?
First date
Me: when you said you were a WWF fanatic, I thought you meant Words with FriendsHim:(in tights) YOU’RE GOING DOWN *flips table*
[job interview]
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
I’m always hungry
“That’s not what I-”
*takes out a cake* Also, I don’t like to share
Covid has me stifling a cough in public like I’m trying to hide a bite wound in a zombie movie.
What if those pandas mated naturally for the first time because they’re turned on by mounting human death tolls
nobody:
TV writers: first of all, nobody can explain anything quickly or clearly to avoid a misunderstanding
ME: *telling a joke*
SARA: haha
SARAH: hahah
“Dad, these glasses make everything look much bigger!”
*Snatches glass and hands to my wife
The main problem with having a tattoo is that whenever you go to a small town there’s always a slight chance that the locals will have a prophecy about an outsider bearing that exact mark.
Just saw an amazing deal for Valentine’s Day “You’re My One and Only” cards.. 2 for $5
1968: One day, computers will improve every area of our lives.
2018: Watching a rapper take a bath with a hairless cat.
*sees oven left on
“What moron left the oven on!?”
*tries repeatedly to turn it off
“WTF!? Stupid oven!”
*realizes 425 is the time
[At job interview]
Interviewer: So tell me why you want this job.
Me: I have no money and I prefer when I have money.
Running down the street dragging an entire bank behind me because I stole one of those pens attached to the little silver chain
Me: I’m going to be a great doctor one day
My patient: [bleeding out] when
My doctor said I needed to reduce stress. Great, now I have that to worry about.
back in the 80’s, we simply didn’t have the dog technology we do today
Why procrastinate today when you can procrastinate tomorrow?
If you need a ride to the airport, give me at least two weeks notice so I’ll have a chance to clear my schedule and die
Husband: Let’s coordinate a time when we can go to the gym together.
Me: There’s a weights class I’ve been wanting to try.
Husband: You could use some cardio too.
*****
Services will be held at 7pm/6 Central. In lieu of flowers, please donate to your local pet shelter.
No I don’t carry “a” grudge. I carry like 20 grudges and keep about 50 more in storage to sort through later.
Fun Fact:
The average 3-year-old boy can stick 11 kernels of corn up his nose before he needs a trip to the ER.