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SERGEANT: we need you to take out the sniper
ME: [stops licking ice cream cone] now?
My grandma: I found some toys in storage you can give to your daughter!
Me: oh cool what are they?
Grandma:
Now that Halloween is over I would like to re-home my poltergeist.
Pros:
Ethically sourced
Fairly quiet
Keeps to itselfCons:
Leaves all cabinet doors open
Eats all the food
May not be a poltergeist and might just be a teenager.
Hey, your parents conceived you the same year my parents conceived me, let us be friends! High school is stupid.
sergeant: we drop in at 0800 hours.
me: HOOAH!!!
sergeant: and let me remind you these are highly trained insurgents this will be no picnic.
[places wicker basket back in locker]
me: *tearing up* ʰᵒᵒᵃʰ
when you’re broke you really start pondering. like if i didn’t buy that taco in 2018 i would have that $6 rn
If you put a drier sheet in your car’s visor, your car will smell fresh for days
[Looks under visor]
Hey wait a minute this is a slice of ham
We’ve been sending transmissions into space for 100 years, so of course aliens avoid us. Earth is the douchebag at the beach blasting music on their bluetooth radio.
911: Whats ur emergency?
“OMG my neighbours cat is stuck on the roof-”
911: Ma’am, this is an emergency only service-
“-of my sons mouth.”
People often act like they don’t hear something that is too awful to contemplate which explains the silence I get when I tell someone I like them.
DINOSAUR PARTY
TRICERATOPS: GROUP SELFIE!!
*hands phone to T-RexT-REX: Still not funny you guys. Not. Funny.
when I see an attractive girl in a long over coat I like to imagine she has a lot of watches for sale under there
I built an electric fence around my house. My neighbour is dead against it.
I just saw a poster that said “have you seen this man?” With a number to call… So I called the number and told them “No.”
Made a deal with my wife a few months back that if was if she was still pregnant come #Halloween, she’d dress up as Bob Wylie. She lost… and all of Twitter has now won. #Browns
GUY WITH TONS OF BLACKLIGHTS AROUND HIS APARTMENT: Hey come on in!
GUY WHO LIKES TO RUB CAT URINE ALL OVER HIMSELF: Ummm. Nah I’m good.
I think it’s blowing a gale, my friends there can’t see a thing 😀
You want me to eat this Caesar salad with this fork and knife you provided? You know what they did to Caesar with a knife?
Remember when we used to call the “self check-out” – ‘Theft’?
[camping]
Friend: You gonna put that tent up yourself?
Me: No, you sicko, under that tree.
English is kinda weird but I’m so glad it isn’t a gendered language. It is none of my business what gender bread identifies as.
*bends over to pick a four leaf clover but gets struck by a falling ACME safe before doing so*
Food that tastes nothing like its name:
egg roll
pineapple
hamster
Midwife [handing my baby]: make sure you support his head
Me: that’s a really great, floppy little head you’ve got there. Well done
Start replying with “In this economy!?” anytime anyone asks you to do anything. It’s legit.
[ten seconds into tv interview where my identity is being protected]
camera guy: don’t try to disguise your own voice, let the machine do it
I love when people ask if pets are adopted, like no, I was in labour for 28 hours and it was an all natural birth, thanks for asking Linda
me: do you think i’m too stoned to drive?
my cat: yes
I’m far to under qualified for adult life and feel like I was promoted to manager far too quickly