tryna choke on gummy bears so my tombstone can read killed by a bear
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This is your captain speaking. Those of you on the right side of the plane may have noticed 3 pyramids. This is 3 more than we were expecting to see in Barcelona. Anyway, does anyone have google maps?
I came, I saw, I got allergies
~ Julius Sneezer
To the guy who just sent me a Snapchat of him putting his ketchup in the refrigerator, well done. You’ve made a powerful enemy.
[at the mall]
LITTLE KID: i’m lost
ME: you’re at the mall
The girl across from me is on the phone to her boyfriend. I regret nodding when she told him she looked terrible.
If I suddenly had the ability to teleport, I’d spend an entire day popping up naked in front of people and asking for John Connor.
Opposing counsel licks his thumb every time he turns a page in his file and basically I didn’t even know this rage inside me existed.
*at the pond*
“hon—there’s something i need to ask you”*emotional* yes?
*blows duck call*
*ducks on water arrange to spell out ‘TACOS?’*
No I won’t be attending your seance, I barely want to talk to the living
Hope you’ve already had the back to school conversation with your kids? You know the one where you threaten them to not volunteer you for stuff before asking you first?
At this point making life choices involves liquor and a dart board.
me: we should have a housewarming party
dad: [moving to block the thermostat] a what now
Be a good dad
When your son wants to play catch, do it
When he needs a hug, give one
When he wants to play drums, tell him his mom said no
In case anyone needs to feel better about their parenting, my 9yo saw someone inside Build-a-Bear wearing a reindeer costume and said, “Look Mom, it’s a furry.”
Give a man a fish he eats for a day then explains fishing to you even though you’re the one who gave him the fish
Day 1: This is a great chance to rediscover my love of cooking!
Day 5: *sink full of spoons, trash full of empty jars of peanut butter*
Unless you’re turned on by a description of a homeless person under a bridge don’t ask me what I’m wearing.
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The most avoided species of shark is the Loan
Me: [covered in chocolate, miniaturized, turning into a blueberry, stumbling out of an incinerator, and floating away] I’ll take the job
Willy Wonka:
Almost forgot…😂😂😂😂😂
If you ever have 17 hours to kill, ask someone freshly inked what their tattoo means.
Wait…the “S” in ASAP doesn’t stand for “Slowly?”
Shit.
This has cost me 27, maybe 28 jobs.
Airport prices are crazy. 5 billion dollars? For an airport?
My resume is just a piece of paper that says “Please don’t Google me.”
When I tell people I used to have a time machine a lot of them ask why I didn’t kill Hitler and I explain that my time machine broke shortly after I murdered Smithsen and when they ask who Smithsen was I always say “you’re welcome”
Sorry honey, I didn’t get you anything for Valentine’s Day.
Wife: It’s not until next week…
[one week later]
Sorry honey, I didn’t…
You can’t transmit the Olympics live, but NASA can transmit a feed from Mars with only a 14 minute delay? NBC, you have been owned.
the Purge but instead of killing for 24 hours we get to talk to customers the way they talk to us
Not my fault if the kids give up too soon