[interrupts Pink Floyd]
“Actually, it’s AN education”
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bird to holiday ratio:
thanksgiving: 1 bird
christmas: 184 birds
easter: 0 birds but 79,379 eggs.
Sleeping Beauty taught me that:
1. I’m not the laziest girl in the land
2. If you sleep long enough, strange men break in & do stuff to you.
I just bought ibuprofen from Costco so if anyone has any aches or pains, I can help 16,000 of you
He was a koi.
She was a squirrel.
Can I make it any less obvious?
Unprecedented times would be if something nice happened every day for like 2 weeks
“Yes mam that’ll be $1200”
“Just to remove a cassette tape that’s stuck?”
“Ma’m, it’s in your CD player”
Life is good! Just waiting for my ship to come in!
*Gets on Twitter*
*Looks up as ship is sailing off*
if you get caught speeding and a cop asks you “where’s the fire” you can just make up an address. they don’t have a list of current fires.
a solar eclipse and a tree is like “aw man I was eating that”
How are the neighbors supposed to free load off your WiFi if the signal barely makes it to the living room.
I watered my garden and then it rained so I’d like a refund please
The Pixar lamp killed my Dad.
– i
[guy taking a bite of corn and then immediately taking a bite of hotdog] there has to be a better way
My cat did not flinch once when the fireworks were going off for hours, but he did yell at me for moving my leg 1 millimeter to the left.
The strawberry frosted pop tart was resplendent.
That’s right, I learned a new word today. Pop-tart; a thin breakfast pastry filled with jam and cooked in a toaster.
Cinderella update where the girl leaves her Invisalign on the table as she flees the party & the prince tries to fit it into the mouth of every girl in the land
My neighbor’s dogs are named Calvin and Klein. They’re boxers.
I’ve never gone cow tipping. Milk is expensive enough without adding 15%, and the cow would probably just eat the money anyway.
Wife: Where’d you buy my gift?
Me: Bed Bath & Beyond
Wife: You used a coupon right?
Me: Coupon?
*wife faints*
4-year-old: My friend said when it rains, that’s God crying.
Me: I don’t know about that.
4: Is God sad because you smell like feet?
*walks up to microphone during wedding reception*
*taps on mic; everyone smiles*
“Anyone that doesn’t want their cake, pass it to me please”
Life is about experiences. First kisses. Books that change you. Self-medication. Dogs telling you to set things on fire.
Costco often changes the floor plan to keep the animals engaged as they search for their next meal.
me: it’s the basis for all life on earth if you take my point so technically any form of romance is carbon dating
archaeologist: how did you find me?
Homosexuality was still classified as an illness in Sweden in 1979. Swedes protested by calling in sick to work saying they felt gay.
People almost never do the cute little Pillsbury dough boy noise when you poke them in the stomach. Everything is a lie
[product pitch meeting]
BOSS: ok what have you come up with
ME: a turbo walker for seniors
BOSS: but how would their legs even keep up
ME [proudly]: with these roller skates
Look, all I know is none of this shit was going on when Mtv still played music videos.
I’m explaining to my mom this is what happens when a goth girl wished for global annihilation as she blew out her birthday candles.
DOCTOR: “How do you feel about taking medication?”
ME: “Uh, fine, I guess… but usually, I just pay for it.”