An evil villain is on the loose
Ant-Man: Yellowjacket again?
[giant kid with magnifying glass emerges]
Ant-Man: You gotta be kidding me
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Friend: Don’t you love these new yoga pants? They come with a little pocket for your phone.
Me: Your phone? *quietly stuffs cookies back in pocket*
[Shark Tank]
ME: I have discovered a microbe that consumes plastic
MARK CUBAN: And why do you need our money?
ME: It ate my credit card
I’m scared some kid is going to break into my house and fleek me to death with a bae
A great way to end small talk is by saying “you’re not real, you’re not real.”
Maintains eye contact with the cashier as he rings up my gloves, duct tape, knife and tampons
the ‘grandma exploit’ is undoubtedly my favorite chatbot jailbreak to date. source here:
Kylo: I need an N to finish my favorite Vader quote.
Han: This is SpaghettiOs, not Alphabet Soup.
Kylo: Great. Now Vader says, “OOOOOOOO!”
My kid told me people go bald because they stop watering their hair
*Sees a guy blow a snot rocket*
Watch this! Does a kegel. Bloody tampon goes flying
If you’re happy and you know it…
Watch the news.
Me: It’s cute how obsessed you are with me. All you talk about is what I’ve done.
Judge: That’s my job!
I’m not saying I killed it on the stock market today, but there’s a good chance I’m cutting up a hot dog into my Kraft Dinner tonight.
Marriage goals: I will die of mysterious causes & you will be the most feared widow in the village.
So according to the news today apparently Facebook is still a thing
The irony is that if we had a vaccine against stupid, those who need it most wouldn’t get it.
Some say the glass is half empty. Some say it’s half full. I ask “Are you going to finish that?”.
Me: God, I’ve been super stressed lately
My skin: would a bunch of pimples help?
Not even remotely sorry.
Noah’s wife: r u joking right now?
Noah: my hands are tied babe
Noah’s Wife: but.. we’re married?
Noah: I’m sorry but he said 2 of each species
Noah’s mate Dave: [pushing past with an xbox] If only there was another way
we baptize all our dinosaurs just in case all that catholic shit turns out to be true
Fighting on twitter be like 🤣
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
Met this chinese guy with the surname Shen. His name’s Eric. As in Eric Shen. Have him for more than 4hours, call a doctor!
Raccoons are like hobos, they live outside plus they don’t like being shaved while they’re eating.
College was the most expensive video-streaming service in last 2 years
Women dressed head to toe in animal print just bumped into me, thought I was being attacked my an obese leopard.
Gaslighting one person isn’t enough. I’m scheduling a town hall meeting.
A guy sat 6 feet across from me and tried to hit on me. I said, “what? I can’t hear you.” he goes, “Awww man!! Coronavirus be killing my game!!!” and left defeated.