When my daughter was six I picked her up from kindergarten. It was overcast and drizzling. She pointed up to the sky and said “that’s where the sun would be if we had one” and I was like OK settle down, Finding Emo
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This girl from my hometown just named her baby Brogan and everyone just let it happen
me, to me: babe are you ok? you’ve hardly touched your resolutions from last year
I have the bruises of a much more active person.
Art Teacher: your drawings are due tomorrow
me: [hours later] maybe add in some grapes
police sketch artist: ..a bowl of fruit attacked you?
I stopped smoking cigarettes six years go.
I eat them now.
Upon finding I was going to the dentist to have a tooth pulled, I did what any 6 year old would do and armed myself with rocks that I threw at him as soon as he came in
I ended up getting a spanking AND my tooth pulled but no way was I going down without a fight.
“Sorry for the late response” is my email signature
Just tracked down a student to ask where his amazing looking sandwich was from and he didn’t know. How is this possible.
[Folding my wife’s laundry after 7 years]
Pile 1 – I have folded these correctly
Pile 2 – I think I have folded these correctly
Pile 3 – I have no idea how to fold these
Pile 4 – I don’t even know what these are
Never hate someone for the color of their skin or who they love. Hate them for putting mayo on a hotdog. That person deserves it
CEO: Long lines. Bad parking. No shade. Crying kids. $7.00 drinks. We need a good name.
ETHAN: How about “amusement park”?
CEO: [under breath] Genius
Crazy but true: Over 80 percent of twins seperated at birth have the same exact birthday.
2 atoms of helium acting funny ~ HeHe
Do you think animals have famous animals in their social groups, or do you think they worship celebrities? But a group of cows worshiping a super sexy cow – does that happen?
i used to enjoy weather like “sunny” or rainy” or cloudy” i’m glad that 2023 is showing us that it can innovate and give us weather like “smoke”
“Okay, try putting it in reverse.”
“Our relationship is nice because we can sit silently and still have fun.” – cool thing to say to the person in bathroom stall next to you.
Me: Wanna high five with our hearts?
Teammate: For the last time. It’s called a chest bump.
“How hard up for cash do you have to be to wear a chicken suit & wave at cars,” I think, adjusting the beak protruding from my forehead
Stranger: You should really cover your face w/a mask, pal.
Me: Oh, because of the virus?
Stranger: Huh? Oh, uh, yeah. Sure.
Customer: Why do you own a hot dog stand when you draw and write?
Me: Wanna buy my book?
Them: No.
Me: That’s why I own a hot dog stand.
responding “ummmm i have a boyfriend” anytime a coworker asks me to do something in my job description
hey boy 😉 is that a gun in your pocket or are you just pleased to see m- oh, it is a gu- yes i will open the cash register
Please, call me Seahorse. Mr. Seahorse was my mother.
Her: What did you get for Valentine’s Day?
Me: Drunk!
FACT: if a cop says FREEZE and then you say “now everybody clap yo hands” he has to drop his gun and clap and then you can get away.
My french toast just surrendered to my german sausage.
Breakfast is weird at my house.
I like staying home, cause soon as I step outside I spend $100
If your wife tells you to take a bite of the apple then you take a bite of the goddamn apple why was it so hard for god to understand that